Ties that bind
by Emmel1118
Summary: When Beth Wilkes turns up at Holby as the new consultant on Darwin she is happy to discover that an old friend is working there too, but it has been 15 years since the two have talked - a lot can happen in 15 years. Beth has had a tough life, and she has a childhood in care and a failed marriage behind her. Beth had been drifting for the past 4 years, will she finally find peace?
1. Chapter 1

_**Okay, I was reading through this story I wrote a while back, and I kept seeing things I could improve on, and so I decided to re-write it. I promise I will finish it this time. There's going to be around 13 chapters and maybe an epilogue. I hope you like it. **_

_***Important!* This is set four years in the future!**_

…

_Chapter 1_

_Friday 1__st__ September 2017_

…

The rain tumbled down the glass and Beth relaxed back into the seat. She watched the rain drops run down the window, and it was oddly mesmerising. An announcement over the intercom system caused her to look away.

"Next stop Holby City Station." Beth stood up slowly, throwing a rucksack over her shoulders, and made her way to the train doors. They hissed mechanically open. The train journey had been a short one, and Beth had a mixture of fear, excitement and dread swirling round her stomach. She was on her way to Holby City Hospital; she was the new cardiothoracic consultant.

She walked along the pavement, thinking about the hospital, and all her colleagues. She had only met two, Henrik Hanssen and Elliot Hope, and she was dreading meeting the rest.

She got off the train and made her way down St Edwards Street, and pulled her phone out of her of her pocket. She got Google maps up, and typed 'Holby City Hospital' into the search bar. A couple of seconds of loading later, a map appeared on the screen. There were two dots on the screen, one that highlighted the hospital, and one that said 'you are here'. The map told her that she was about a three minute walk from her new place of work, but she was walking in the wrong direction. She slipped the phone back into her pocket and changed her direction.

The rain was still falling out of the sky when Beth arrived at the hospital. She was wear light blue jeans and a light green t-shirt, and a light blue cardigan thrown over her shoulders. She hadn't expected it to be cold this morning or for it to rain – so she had put the wrong clothes on.

She was sodden but she didn't mind, in fact she loved the rain. She passed through some double doors and was confronted with a café, a lift, and a sign. She scanned the sign for Darwin Ward and when she saw it she made a note of the floor and climbed into the lift.

The lift doors pinged, and she walked out of the lift. She looked around the ward for a couple of seconds, searching for Professor Hope. She combed her memory for what he looked like; late fifties, scruffy beard and hair, overweight. It was a couple of seconds later that she saw him. He was talking a male nurse at the nurses' station, and Beth walked, cautiously, over to them.

Neither of them noticed her. She coughed. Professor Hope turned his attention from the nurse to her. "Ah, Miss Wilkes. Glad to see you made here on time." The nurse turned to face her after Professor Hope's words.

"Jonny Maconie." The male nurse offered a hand, and Beth took it. He had a Scottish accent.

"Beth Wilkes. Nice to meet you." She turned to Professor Hope, and spoke again. "So what should I do?" She had just finished her words when a tall red-head woman stalked over to nurses' station. Beth's mouth almost dropped open. Nurse Maconie looked at the woman who had just walked over, and then he looked back at Beth – his eyebrows knitted into a frown. "Well, what d'you know? Long-time no see, Jac." Jac turned the swivel chair she was sitting so that she could see who was talking to her.

Her face split into a smile. "Beth Wilkes." She breathed in. "It's been a while, hasn't it?" Beth smiled.

She thought about it. "A good fifteen years at the least. Nice to see that you made it as a doctor, though I was sure you'd make it."

"Must have been fifteen years, then. So you did decide to be a doctor, then?" Jac asked.

"Nah, what d'you think?" Beth said, sarcastically, gesturing around her with her arms. They both laughed at that. The two men who were standing beside them were looking on bemusedly. Beth turned to them. "Jac and I are old friends." Professor Hope nodded, and Nurse Maconie did as well, before excusing himself.

Jac leaned over and handed her a blue folder. It had a name written on the flap – David Webber. "You can take him to Keller for me." Seeing the confused look on Beth's face, she elaborated. "Keller Ward, general surgery, second floor. Just go and tell him that Miss Naylor is held up in theatre and you'll be handling his referral." Beth nodded. "Bed eight, over there." Jac said, pointing to the left, where a man in his late twenties was lying on a bed, reading an out of date magazine.

Jac stood up and walked off, leaving Beth with her task. She walked purposefully towards Bed eight. The man in the bed – David Webber – looked up when she approached. "Miss Naylor has been held up in theatre, so I'll be handling your referral to Keller. Do have any questions, Mr Webber?" He shook his head. "I'll go get a porter, then." It didn't take Beth long to find a porter.

She walked alongside the bed as it was wheeled down the corridor, and to the lift. The doors pinged closed, and Beth turned to David. "Mr Webber, did Miss Naylor tell you what doctor you are being referred to?"

"Mr Williams." She froze for a second, before dismissing it as a coincidence. She nodded, and they spent the rest of the lift ride in silence. The doors pinged open, and she watched as the bed was wheeled out, and then followed it. She stood at the desk, waiting for Mr Williams or another doctor to arrive – as David Webber and his bed where slotted into a space. A voice came from behind her, and made a chill go up her spine and her blood run cold. She never did believe in coincidences. "Well, well, well. Elisabeth Wilkes. Well, well, well." His condescending tone made Beth itch to slap him. Instead, she turned around to face him. Alex Williams didn't look a day different.

"David Webber is over there." She said, sharply, pointing to him. She went to turn away, but he reached out a hand and grabbed her arm. He pulled her back. She closed her eyes and tried to control her anger. "Don't worry, Beth, they won't ever know about the past." He whispered slowly. "Neil sends his love!" He spoke sarcastically and it made her blood boil. "Nah, actually he hates you even more now, Ellie." Her face had gone bright red with anger.

"You do not call me that…" He interrupted her.

"It's what darling Neil called you, wasn't it? I think you've burned all the bridges there, Ellie." She battled to keep her anger under control, but she sensed that she was losing the battle. He could always get under her skin like no one else.

"I know he's your brother but I would have thought you'd burnt all the bridges too, dragging me down? Is brother love worth more than everything else?" She retorted, and was happy that he was scowling by the end of the sentence.

"Neil and I are not on speaking terms." He answered.

"So I should expect, Alex, after what you did to him, after you betrayed him like you did." Beth snapped back.

"After_ I_ betrayed him? What about you?" That was the trigger that sent her over the edge. Before she knew what she was doing, she reached out and had slapped him hard on the cheek. When she brought her hand away, she was shaking and there was a bright red hand mark on his cheek. Suddenly, Beth got the feeling everyone was watching them. She looked up, to see that she was right. Everyone on the ward was staring at them. A woman caught her attention. She was staring at them in disbelief. She had short, brown hair that ran to her shoulders. She was in her late forties or early fifties and from the tag on her trousers; Beth guessed she was a pretty important doctor.

"Alex and _you. _My office now." She had pointed at Beth when she had said _you_, as she didn't know her name. She followed Alex into a rather large office that had Alex's name on the door, and also Serena Campbell. She assumed that Serena Campbell was the woman who was looking daggers at her. "Serena-" Alex had started to speak but the woman – Serena – had cut him off.

"Shut up." Beth decided that she like Serena Campbell. "Who are you? Are you a patient's relative or what?"

"I'm Beth Wilkes. I'm the new cardiothoracic surgeon." Serena Campbell's eyebrows shot up at that.

"So would you care to explain why you just assaulted a member of my staff?"

Beth paused, she didn't want to air her dirty laundry in public and she knew that Alex wouldn't either. "I hate him. He got under my skin so I slapped him." Beth said, shrugging.

"Miss Wilkes, you are new to this hospital, correct?"

"It's my first day."

"Then you need to understand that assaulting another member of staff is not permitted in this hospital." She turned to Alex. "Alex, if you would like to file a complaint about this incident I'm sure you won't be short of witnesses. But first, you must tell me how you managed to provoke a woman you had never met before to hate you and then slap you, and all in a very short space of time." Serena asked, looking between the pair of them.

"Well…" He paused, and before he spoke again, he glanced over to Beth and their eyes met. "The thing is, I have met the charming Miss Wilkes before – and obviously I did not leave her with a good impression of me." Beth had to close her eyes to stop the anger rising in her again.

"How do you know her?"

"We used to work together at University Hospital of North Durham." Beth beat Alex to answer first. "And no, Alex, you didn't leave a good impression." He scowled again.

Serena looked at them again and then shook her head. "There is something between you, which I accept you are going to keep between yourselves at this moment in time. I will just offer you one word of warning – Alex, I'm sure you already know this – but secrets don't stay secret in Holby for long. You can go now." Beth looked at Serena and wondered how she had realised that they were hiding something. Admittedly, they hadn't given the best answers to why the incident on the ward had occurred, but still, it was a large leap of logic to get to where Serena had.

She walked out of the office, Alex right behind her. She glanced back at him, and saw that her hand print was still imprinted on his face. She winced at the sight, but then told herself that he had deserved it. She shivered when she felt a hand on her back. "You heard what Miss Campbell said, secrets don't keep secret here for long." Alex whispered in to her ear. Beth gave him a light push and he moved away.

She walked to the lift quickly. She stood waiting for the lift for a long time, and every so often she glanced over her shoulder to see where Alex was. Most of the time he was either with a patient or she couldn't see him. After an age the doors pinged open and Beth entered. The only person in the lift was Jac. Beth realised that she had been missing from the ward for quite some time, what with the incident with Alex and then the dressing down by Serena Campbell. "I was looking for you."

"What did you want?" Beth snapped, she wasn't in the mood to be cooperative or use manners for that matter. Alex had made her put her defences up.

"I picked up the phone to hear that you slapped a senior GS consultant."

"Let me guess; Serena Campbell?" Jac nodded.

After a pause, Jac spoke. "Why?"

"Why what?" Beth knew exactly what Jac was asking but she didn't really what to answer – as she didn't want to lie to her friend or talk about the past.

"Don't be stupid, Beth, it doesn't suit you. Why did you slap a random GS consultant?"

"He wasn't random and he deserved it."

"And why wasn't he random and how did he deserve it?"

"I know him from a while ago. We used to work together, and believe me he deserved it. I should have done it a long time ago."

"What happened, then?" Jac inquired.

It's just we….used to work together and, well, something happened and well, you know what I'm like with grudges." They both laughed at the last part. Jac nodded.

"But what did he do, steal the last bourbon, steal a surgery, steal…?" Jac said, incredulously, but before she could list any more Beth interrupted her.

"He didn't steal anything! It's, well, complicated and I don't want to talk about it, okay?" Jac nodded, she knew that she couldn't pry any further.

Jac walked to the other side of the lift but, as she did so, a piece of paper fluttered to the ground. Beth reached it first and picked it up. It was a photograph of a man who was, Beth guessed, about the same age as her and Jac, and had short brown hair. He was wearing a light blue jumper and he was smiling slightly, but Beth noted that the smile didn't quite reach his eyes – there was something upsetting him. There was also a baby in the picture who looked very similar to the man, too similar for just a coincidence; he must be the baby's father. And finally, there was a small puppy lying on the grass next to the man.

She turned it over and there were three words scrawled on the back, 'Where's the wife?' Beth frowned at the words. She turned it around, again. "Who's he?"

Beth looked at Jac at that moment and for a second she could see hurt flash across her expression. "He's just… gone. He used to work here but he's gone now." Beth nodded.

"So why do you still have a photo of him?"

"I don't know why."

"What do the words mean? Wife – _you _– I didn't have you down as the marrying type, Jac. He must have been something special."

Jac smiled, slightly. "Oh yeah, he was special." She paused, and took a breath. "I just wish I realised that before it was too late." She looked up at Beth and their eyes met. To her surprise, Beth saw that Jac was fighting tears.

"What happened, Jac?" Beth asked, softly and quietly.

"I hurt him," She smiled, lost in a memory. "Which was the biggest mistake of my life." She paused. "And then he forgave me." Her smile turned into a frown. "Then I made the second biggest mistake of my life. I let him go. He asked me to go with him and I said no. All for a stupid job, Beth." Jac said as she pulled the photo from Beth grip.

She walked the doors of the lift, and waited. "I hurt him so much, Beth, and it nearly killed me. So one little tip, Beth; love is more important than anything else. Don't make my mistakes because if you do; love hurts a hell of a lot." The lift doors pinged, Jac left and Beth was left alone.

"Thanks for the warning, Jac, but I think I've already made your mistakes." Beth said, to the empty lift, before following her friend.

…

_**And chapter one is finished! I hope you enjoyed it. The next chapter will be published next Monday. **_


	2. Chapter 2

_**And here is Chapter 2. **_

…

_Chapter 2_

_Friday 8__th__ September 2017_

…

The day had been long and Beth was nearly coming to the end of her tether. She had been working at Holby City Hospital for no more than a week, but she was shattered. She was sitting in the staffroom, her feet resting on a chair. She relaxed backwards and rested her sore muscles, but her relaxation didn't last long as the door was opened a few seconds after she had closed her eyes. She opened them to see Alex standing in the doorway. She muttered a curse under her breath. He moved, awkwardly, into room. He put the coffee machine on and then promptly ignored her. There was still a light red mark on his face, where she had slapped him.

She had hardly talked to Alex since their last discussion and then the slapping incident on her first day, but now she was alone in the staffroom with him. "Do you remember the first time we met?" Alex asked, curiously. She sure did. It had been a crisp autumn day almost nine years ago, now. She'd been standing in the hospital car park, when a man had walked into the back of her, causing them both to drop all of their things on the ground.

She had helped him gather his books up and then they had walked into the hospital. She had been shocked to find out that he was the brother of one of her friends and colleagues – there where almost no facial similarities. They'd become friends after that.

"Yes, but I wish I never met you." She said, venom dripping from her voice. "It would have been a hell of a lot easier if I hadn't." She added, quietly. "I don't think I can do this anymore, Alex." She said quietly. He turned around from the coffee machine and looked at her.

"It's just an act, isn't it? What you said before, how you acted in front of him, you didn't want him to see that you're _actually_ hurting. You put up a front and hid behind it. You didn't show him how you really felt about what happened; you just put up a wall and hoped it would all go away, and in the end it didn't all go away; you did. You're just…broken." Alex stated, calmly. Beth shook her head.

"When did you qualify as a psychiatrist?" She said, sarcastically, before standing up and stalking out.

She walked as far as she could away from him, he couldn't know that his words were the truth, the she was hurting, and he couldn't know this fact.

She didn't know how long she'd been walking for when she found a corridor devoid of life. She slumped against a wall and tried to fight the inevitable tears. She and Jac were the same, which was why, as children, they had been friends.

Now, it seemed, they had both fallen in love and changed; because that was what love does. They had both spent too long fighting it and instead they had lost it forever. The tears came, then. She was sick of hiding everything. That was all she seemed to do, and she had done it since childhood. That was another similarity between herself and Jac – they hid behind walls – defences - so that no one ever saw the real them.

…

Beth didn't usually find solace in a bottle, but that night she did. Alex Williams had gotten under her skin like no one had before she had met him or since. She hated him, she really did. She hated what he had made her become, and she hated what she had done as a result. She took the final swig of the glass of red wine that was sitting in front of her. It was her fifth or six drink of that evening, and she was starting to get drunk and lose count. She called the barman over and she ordered another.

The crowd in the bar was starting to thin, as it was getting late. Beth looked at her watch and realised she had lost track of time. Her drink was slid over the counter to her. She took a sip, just as a man pulled off his jacket and sat down on the stool next to her. In the dark of the bar, and with all the alcohol in her system, when she looked to see who had joined her, for a second she thought it was _him_ – Neil – but then she looked closer and realised that her drink addled brain had made her imagine things. He did look similar to Neil but there were almost as many differences as there were similarities. He was about the same age as her, maybe a little younger, and he had dark hair and dark eyes. She vaguely recognised him as a doctor on Darwin but she could be mixing him up with someone else. "I'll have vodka-on-the-rocks, please." The man ordered and Beth discovered that he had a soft Irish accent.

While he was waiting for his drink, he put his head in his hands. "Your day was that bad, ey?" Beth asked, with a hint of sarcasm in her voice. He turned to look at her and smiled.

"You're the new doctor, aren't you? The one on Darwin that gave Williams the slap he damn well needed." Beth was surprised that he had recognised her. She nodded. "Good on you, I'll say."

"Why'd you say that?"

"He just gets on my nerves." He paused. "I work on Darwin too." So she had recognised him.

"He gets on my nerves to." Beth hesitated, but then spoke. "So why're you here, then?"

"Oh, it's got nothing to do with work." Beth watched as he fiddled with the gold band on his left ring finger, his wedding ring. He pulled it off and set it on the counter. "I'll have another." He ordered a drink and then sat and stared at the ring. When his drink got to him, he took a large gulp and then turned to her. "A couple hours ago I found out that my lovely wife has been sleeping with my best mate!" He spoke angrily, and rightly so.

"What a lovely lady." Beth said sarcastically, and shook her head. "So did you leave her or did she leave you for him?" If she hadn't been drunk she wouldn't have steered away from the topic but as she was she didn't.

"I left her."

"I think we need another round of drinks, am I right?" She called the barman over and ordered a round of tequila sunrises. They arrived a couple of seconds later and Beth downed hers in one.

"Whoa, slow down, love. You'll give yourself alcohol poisoning." She smirked as his inner doctor shone through. Then she realised that she didn't know his name, yet.

"As I now know the inner workings of your marriage, maybe it would be nice to know your name." Beth asked.

"Alright, but only if you tell me yours after." Beth nodded. "Tom. Tom Shields. Now you. I may know about you but no one seems to know your name."

"Beth Wilkes."

"Now, Beth Wilkes, why are you downing shots like the worlds going to end?" Beth smiled, slightly. It was the first time in a long time that a man had shown any interest in her, apart from her ability as a doctor.

"Two words. Alex Williams."

"I thought it might have something to do with him. You've only been here, what a week?" She nodded. "And you have already realised what an idiot he is. That must be some sort of record."

"Sorry to disappoint, but I've met him before this week."

"Oh, how?

"We used to work together. It took me a while to realise that under all that charm, he's just a charming idiot."

"Nicely put."

It was Tom's turn to order a round of shots, and this time they both downed them in a matter of seconds. They sat in silence for a while, before Tom spoke. "Why's a beautiful woman like you all alone? I'm just assuming here, so you can tell me to go away if you already have a fella but…"

"Nah, I'm all alone in the big wide world. There was this one guy a long time ago but it…it didn't work out." Tom nodded.

"I thought that I'd found the one. Her name is Amy. I thought that we'd make it through everything. Shows how much I know." He said, and he sounded almost defeated.

"You're better than her. She doesn't deserve you."

"Yeah, I know, but…we were married for seven years and where together for six before that so, yeah, it's hard." They lapsed into silence again. "Beth, I don't want to be lonely tonight." Even though he hadn't asked her bluntly, they both knew what he meant.

"Neither do I, Tom. Neither do I." Tom was looking at her, looking in to her eyes. "Yours or mine?"

"Yours." Beth nodded, and they stood up. They paid for the drinks. He pulled his jacket off of the back of the chair and slung it over his shoulders. Beth picked up her bag and swung it over her shoulder. They walked out of the bar together.

The cold air bit at her face and her uncovered arms. Tom noticed that she was shivering and slid his jacket off and offered it to her. She gratefully took it and put it on. Tom pulled his phone out and dialled the number for the taxi firm. As they waited for a taxi to come, Tom slid one of his arms around her waist.

It didn't take long for the taxi to arrive, and Tom opened the door for her. They got in. They spent the taxi ride in silence. It was a short ride to Beth's flat, and after she paid the driver, they stood looking up at the apartment building. "You can still back out." Tom whispered in to the cold night air.

"No. I want this. I want you." Just as she finished speaking, she turned to face him. His was almost a head taller than her, but he leant down and their lips joined.

"Okay." Tom said, more to himself than her, after they had stopped kissing. Beth walked towards the door to the block of flats, with Tom following. Her apartment was on the third floor and there was no lift. They climbed the stairs in total silence. She fumbled with her bag and removed her keys. She slid them into the lock and turned. A click signalled that the door was now open. She pushed it open with her shoulder, as her hands where busy putting her key away. She waited a few seconds and Tom entered. He hardly gave the flat a seconds glance, instead his eyes where fixed on her face.

"You've got one more chance to back out." Tom said, quietly.

"And why would I want to do that? Are _you_ sure?" Tom didn't answer; instead he leant down and captured her lips with his. He wrapped his arms around her, and Beth wrapped hers around him. Soon they were completely lost in the moment, in each other. They couldn't back out now.

…

_**Another chapter finished. Hope you liked. Chapter 3 will be up on Monday.**_


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter 3 _

_Saturday 9__th__ September 2017_

…

There was light bleeding through the curtains. Beth cautiously opened her eyes. Her head was banging. She looked around the room, and when she saw the scattered clothing on the floor what had happened last night came back to her. She groaned and rolled over in bed. Tom was still sound asleep, and was snoring gently. She watched him sleep for a few more seconds. Maybe they could make a go of this, have a proper relationship? She cast that idea away almost immediately, she had had relationships with colleagues before and it always ended up badly.

She reached over and poked him, gently, on the small of the back. He rolled away from her and murmured something that sounded like Amy. She sighed, that was another reason that they could never make this work. He was married, and even though his wife had left him, he was obviously still in love with her - no matter what she had done. She poked him harder this time and he rolled over to face her, and she saw the surprise in his eyes, but it was only for a second.

She sighed and lay back, resting her back on the pillow. "Well, this isn't a big mess, is it?" She said, sarcastically.

"Why, do you regret last night?" She looked over at him and confusion was plain to see on her face.

"So you don't regret last night?"

"Why would I? We both wanted to, even if we were drunk." He hesitated, and Beth knew he wanted to say something but was struggling to find the words.

"Cat got your tongue?"

"Something like that." He paused, but then spoke. "Do want to, you know, have a proper relationship?" She immediately thought no, but the more she looked at him and his big blue eyes, the more she had a good feeling about this. She was still a little uneasy but she knew she had to get over past.

She nodded and a grin appeared on his face. He opened his arms out wide and she snuggled into his chest. "What time d'you have to be at work by?" Beth asked.

"Nine."

"Snap. I'll drive us in." Tom nodded and Beth guessed that her smile was just as big.

…

They were sitting in the car, and Beth had just killed the engine. "You sure?" Beth asked, for the fifth time during the car journey.

"Yes, Beth, I'm sure." She nodded, and felt Tom slide his hand into hers, and give it a squeeze. He let go and Beth opened the car door. There was a biting wind and Beth wrapped her jacket tighter around her frame. They walked in an easy silence to the hospital entrance.

She joined the short queue for the café. They were serving the customers very quickly so she didn't have to wait long. "What do you want?" The woman behind the counter asked.

"Can I have two coffees to go?"

"That'll be £1.90, please." She removed the money from her purse and put it on the counter. The woman took it and then spoke. "They'll be about two minutes." Beth nodded, and moved to a side counter. Soon enough the coffees arrived. She poured one carton of milk into hers and put four cartons and two blocks of sugar into Tom's. She now knew he like his coffee like no one she had ever met before.

She turned around, a coffee in each hand and she scanned the entrance for Tom. She saw him waiting by the lift. She walked over and he gratefully accepted his coffee. The lift arrived a few seconds later. It wasn't a long ride to Darwin. They were the only two in the lift when it arrived.

They walked, slowly towards the nurses' station. Professor Hope, Jac, Nurse Maconie, and two other doctors, that Beth couldn't see clearly, where having a discussion. Beth put her finished coffee into the bin, and Tom put his on the desk in front of him. Everyone turned to look at them, and Jac raised her eyebrows. She had guessed what had happened.

Now Beth could see the one of the two other doctors, it was Miss Effanga, and then she saw the other one. Her blood ran cold and she froze, as did the other doctor. Their eyes met. She could see frowns appearing on the faces all around her, including Jac's.

The other doctor was Neil.

"Ellie." He said her name quietly, but everyone heard it. He squeezed his eyes shut; he obviously hadn't meant to call her that. "Elisabeth." He corrected himself, and Beth felt her heart sink. She thought that maybe he would have forgiven her, but evidently he hadn't. He hadn't changed since the day she had left. He looked the same and sounded the same and was the same.

"Neil." She said, softly. Everyone was looking at them now, wondering what was going on.

"I take it you are now working here?" Beth nodded.

"And you?"

"Yes." Great, first Alex and now Neil. She was trying to forget them but here they both where.

"Do you know Mr Williams, Miss Wilkes?" Professor Hope spoke, evidently trying to get them moving again.

Beth turned to face him. "Yes." She said, curtly. No one dared ask another question after her answer, and Nurse Maconie and Professor Hope excused themselves to go and do their jobs, which left Beth, Jac, Neil and Tom.

She looked at Tom and frowned. She knew it had been a bad idea to get involved with him. "I'll go see my patients, then." She didn't know why Neil had to announce his plans to them but he had.

He started to walk away, and Beth realised she should give him a heads up about Alex. "Neil." She called. He turned to see who was calling him, but when he realised who was trying to get his attention, he started to walk again. "I just thought you'd want to know that Alex is working here, too." Her words made him stop in his tracks. He turned around, slowly.

"Is there something you'd like to tell me, then?" She realised too late what it must have sounded like to Neil – that her and Alex were here together.

"No, no, we're not-it's not like that. It was just by chance." She stuttered. She knew Neil didn't believe her. With a small shake of his head, he continued walking.

When she turned around, Jac was the only person left at the station. Tom was nowhere to be seen. "Care to explain?" She asked. Beth shook her head.

"No." She said, tersely. Jac looked slightly offended, but she didn't say anything. She stood up and left, clutching a pile of files. Beth saw Tom staring at her from across the ward.

Tom. He was bound to ask question about Neil, like Jac had. There was no way she was going to tell Tom, especially now she'd decided to keep it a secret from Jac. She sighed. Her life was on big mess at the moment.

…

_Friday 22__th__ September_

The surgery was going smoothly. She had finished the procedure, and just had to close the patient. She had managed to avoid Neil almost totally during the just under two weeks they had been working together. Her fledgling relationship with Tom was going from strength to strength and he hadn't asked about Neil yet.

She had a scalpel in one hand and was just about to ask for Tom to close him up, when through the window she saw Neil walk past. She froze for a second and then the instrument in her hand slipped. It sliced through muscle and caused a rush of blood to pour through the tiny cut. "We've got a bleed." Tom called out, as if it wasn't obvious. She couldn't move, she was frozen to the spot. Tom had to manhandle her out of the way so that he could save the patient.

…

"So could you care to explain why a routine operation wasn't so routine? Mr French nearly died on the table." Mr Hanssen asked. She was in his office. Professor Hope and Jac where there too, but Tom was standing outside.

"There was a complication, a bleed, which Mr Shields and I dealt with professionally."

"And why was there a bleed?" Professor Hope asked this next question.

"At the moment I am not sure what caused the bleed…" She paused. "But Mr Shields was holding a scalpel, so…"

"And why would Mr Shields, a very competent F2, accidentally cause a bleed?" Jac asked.

"I have no idea, but…" She hesitated. "but his wife has recently left him, and he seemed a bit out of it during surgery."

"Are you sure you want to make these allegations, Miss Wilkes?" Mr Hanssen inquired.

"I wasn't aware I was making an allegation, Mr Hanssen. I just told you what I know."

"You can go now, Miss Wilkes." Beth left the office. She stood outside the door, and took a deep breath. She watched as Tom walked up to her.

"What happened?" He asked.

"You'll be fine." She said, and faked a smile to go with her fake words. She was basically throwing him to the lions without a second thought, but she quelled her guilty thoughts. She couldn't lose her job, not when she had given up so much to get here in the first place.

"You'll be fine." She reiterated.

"And you?"

"I'm going to be alright." She wasn't lying, though she knew Tom thought she was.

"Wish me luck." He said, and he chuckled. She couldn't make herself laugh with him. Instead, she smiled. He pushed the door open and walked into the lion's den.

She liked him, and she had thought that they could have a great relationship, but Neil had come and thrown her life into disarray again. She wasn't sure if her relationship with Tom would last his discussion in Mr Hanssen's office.

…

_**Chapter four will be up on Monday**__. _


	4. Chapter 4

_Chapter 4_

_Friday 22__th__ September 2017_

…

Beth had managed to slip away after speaking to Tom outside of Hanssen's office. No one had stopped her and she hadn't wanted to stay a moment longer. She was sitting at home, sitting on the sofa. The T.V. was blaring but she wasn't listening to it. She had too many thoughts swirling through her head. Even though she had successfully quelled her guilty thoughts earlier, now they were coming back with a vengeance. She knew she shouldn't have betrayed him how she had but she had had to. It was either that or get severely reprimanded or even lose her job. She couldn't let that happen so she had done what she had done.

A loud knock on the door brought her out of her thoughts. She stood up, annoyed at the interruption. It was probably some salesman trying to get her to buy double glazing or something. There had been lots of men like that over the past five or six weeks she'd been living here. She opened the door, and had to bite her tongue.

Tom was standing in the doorway. He had a face like thunder, and he was glaring at her. "Tom." Now she was about to reap what she had sown. She moved aside and he stalked past her and into the sitting room. She stood in the doorway for a while staring out into the empty hallway.

For the first time in her life she was seriously considering if it was all worth it, whether she should just pack it all in. Maybe she would make herself happy for once. She had been happy with Tom – the first time for a long time she had been happy, but now she had messed it up.

She sighed and walked down the corridor to the sitting room. She stopped, suddenly realising that Tom was going to see the picture on her mantelpiece and he was going to connect the dots. She stood in the doorway. Sure enough, Tom seemed transfixed by the picture.

It was a picture of her and Neil, a long time ago. It had been taken by a passer-by when they had been on holiday in Switzerland. They were sitting on a bench on a boat, which was cruising across Lake Thun at the time. Beth had her jumper tied around her waist, and was wearing a strappy, white vest-top, and pale brown coloured three-quarter length trousers. She was wearing sunglasses and a cap that had the Swiss flag on. She still had that hat.

Neil was wearing grey shorts and a light blue polo shirt. He had a sports watch on, and he was wearing sunglasses too. Beth remembered that you had too because of the sun's glare reflected on the water. There was a red rucksack sitting on the bench next to Neil. He had one arm around her back, and she was leaning into his chest, her arms encircling it. They were both smiling broadly. The things that Tom seemed to be staring at where the two rings on her left hand ring finger and the matching one on Neil's.

That had been one of the best days of the two week holiday; they had spent it cruising around the lake and there had been beautiful blue sky and soaring temperatures. She remembered that they had bought ice cream at the Co-op in the town they had been staying in – Interlaken - and they had eaten it back at their tent. She had had strawberry and he had had chocolate.

They had gone camping because they both loved it, and it was much cheaper than staying in a hotel. To cut all unnecessary costs they had driven to Switzerland as well. They hadn't had a lot of money because they both had been still paying off student loans. Neil had driven and Beth had been the map reader. They had stayed a cheap Etap hotel in Besanscon, in France, on the way down and the way back. They had listened to a Michael Connelly audio C-D – The Brass Verdict – and it had been a very relaxed journey, and one they had repeated several times over the next couple of years. It had been nine years ago, and just before she had met Alex for the first time.

She and Neil had been together for a grand total of nine years and they had gotten married after four of them, about six months before the picture on the mantelpiece had been taken, but now there was nothing between them at all: she had made sure of that. But still, like Jac, she kept a picture of the man who had captured her heart.

"You two look happy." Tom stated, quietly. "When was it taken?"

"Nine years ago, and in Switzerland." She said, also quietly. Neither of them wanted to be the one to bring up why Tom had come. "Don't worry; it ended a long time ago." Tom nodded.

"When did you get married?"

"19th January 2008. Six months before that picture was taken."

"When did you get divorced?"

"Four years ago."

After Beth answered, they settled into a silence.

"Why did you tell Hanssen that it was me?" He said, after a while. Beth nearly flinched at his words. He twisted on the sofa, so that he was looking at her.

"I didn't…" She started to try and convince him that she hadn't meant to but the words just petered out after a few seconds. "I'm sorry." She whispered.

"We both know that it was you who caused the bleed, you just froze." His voice was still calm. "I could just go and tell Hanssen, and the anaesthetist will back me up. But I won't, and d'you know why? I like you."

Beth released a breath she didn't know she was holding in. "How long where you together?" Tom asked, after a few seconds had past.

"Nine years." She said, and she saw Tom tilt his head in confusion.

"Whoa, you must've done something bad to make him hate you that bad."

"Something like that." She said, softly, whilst gazing at the picture.

"How long ago did you two spilt up?"

"Four years, I've already told you that."

"And you still have a picture of the guy on your mantelpiece?" Tom asked, genuinely confused as to why she still had the picture up.

"When we spilt up and I moved out of our house – he got to keep it as part of the divorce settlement – I moved into a cheap flat. When I got a new job I moved into another cheap flat, and then I moved here and bought – you guessed it – another cheap flat. And none of them felt like home to me if I didn't have a picture of _the guy _on my mantelpiece…because we had that picture on our mantelpiece throughout our marriage. I guess I like it." Tom shrugged.

After Beth's revelation about why she still had the picture on her mantelpiece. Tom sighed and looked at her, his eyes sad.

"I think we should just be friends. We're both hurting from our marriage breakdowns."

"Whatever you want, Tom." He nodded and then stood up. He walked towards her and she moved to the side so that he could pass. He got to the door, and turned around.

"See you around, Beth." He flashed her a small smile and then he was gone. She stood, staring at the door for a long while after he had left. Lots of thoughts where running through her head, but she couldn't stop thinking about how happy they had been on that trip to Switzerland and how, now, her former husband hated her.

She brought her hand up to her face and to her surprise she could feel tears. She couldn't stop them running down her face and, not for the first time in her life, she felt helpless.

…

_Thursday 28__th__ September 2017_

The desk in front of her was full of clutter and she had already spent five minutes searching for a pen. She had found numerous other things, but she still couldn't find a pen. She tried the nurses' station and was looking in Jac and Professor Hope's office as a last resort.

She knelt on the floor, crawling under the desk as she did so. It was dark under the desk and Beth could hardly see anything, so she used her hands to search. Her hand felt a long thin thing and she wrapped her hand around it. She pulled it towards her and smiled when she realised she had found a pen. She slowly backed out from under the desk.

"Hello?" The one word caused Beth to try and stand up, but she wasn't far enough out from under the desk, so she just banged her head on the desk, and ended up sprawled on the carpet. She spent a few seconds regaining her composure and then attempted to stand up. She was slightly wobbly and dizzy on her feet, but apart from that she believed she was fine. She turned to face the woman whose one word had caused the whole embarrassing incident.

The woman was in her mid to late thirties and had bouncy blonde hair and bright blue eyes. She wore quite a lot of makeup but even that couldn't hide the fact that the woman had been crying.

She was wearing a pastel blue dress and light brown sandals, clothing that was definitely not suitable for the weather outside. "Hello, who are you?" She asked the woman.

"Do you know where Tom is?" She asked, and she spoke very quietly.

"Tom Shields?" The woman nodded. "He'll be doing his ward rounds at the moment, but he'll be finished in five minutes." She informed the woman, consulting her watch as she did so. "Who are you?" She asked, again.

"Amy Shields. His wife." She said, as she walked out of the room. When she was gone, Beth raised her eyebrows. So this was Tom's wife, the one who had been sleeping with his best mate. She wondered why the hell she was here.

She walked from the office to the nurses' station, and she cursed – because she had taken so long looking for a pen she had forgotten what she had needed for. She looked out of the window. The weather had taken a turn for the worst in the final days of Beth's first month at Holby. Rain was lashing at the window and the sky was grey and miserable. It had been like this for days and it was dampening her mood.

It was just under a week since Tom had ended their relationship and she was so tired of trying to complete the unachievable task of avoiding Neil completely. It helped that he was trying to avoid her too, but it still wasn't possible to avoid each other all of the time – they were working on the same ward for god's sake.

She decided that she was going to get a cup of coffee from the staffroom. She needed a sit down after hitting her head on the desk. She reached up and was surprised to feel a clump of matted blood and hair. She must have wacked it pretty hard. She winced at the headache it had given her and started towards the staffroom. When she pushed the door open, she saw that Tom was already in there.

He was sitting on a chair and sipping a steaming cup of coffee. "Hi." He said, smiling at her. She smiled back.

"Hi." He was looking at her, with a slight frown on his face. "What?" She said. "Have I got something on my face?" He shook his head.

"It's your head, your bleeding."

"Oh." She reached a hand up and touched the wound on the back of her head, wincing as she did so. "I had an unfortunate incident with a desk. My head hit it." He stood up and walked towards her. He put a hand on her chin and one on the top of her head and tilted in down, so that he had a better look at her injury. He tried to hide it, but she saw him wince.

"That bad, eh." She said, with a teasing note to her voice. He smiled again.

"I'll be back in a sec." He said, walking out of the door. He did as he said. As he entered the room, he was pulling on a pair of rubber gloves, and had a box of cotton wool, a roll of thread and a needle in a packet under his arm. He put the equipment on the table and pulled a chair up to her. "Sit down." He ordered. She did as he asked.

"Do I really need stitches?" She said, after a couple of seconds, when she saw him open the needle packet out of the corner of her eye.

"Uh-Huh." He murmured, through gritted teeth. He was obviously concentrating hard. She sat in silence, trying not to wince or cry out whilst he stitched her wound. "All done." He said, as he pulled off his gloves, and went to stand in front of her. "You've got to be more careful. That was a nasty wound. I'll take the stitches out on Monday." Beth nodded. He pulled a chair up and looked at her, smirking slightly. "How did you manage to get such an impressive wound?"

"I was under the desk in Jac and Professor Hope's office-" He interrupted her.

"Wait – why where you in their office?"

"I was looking for a pen." Tom couldn't stifle a snigger at that, and she playfully pushed him on the chest. Beth didn't know how they had ended up so close, but they faces where nearly touching. She knew what he was going to do before he did it. She didn't stop him, and soon they were kissing.

They door was slammed open, and they sprung apart. Beth looked at the doorway, and closed her eyes, silently cursing. Tom's wife was standing in the doorway, with a hurt expression on her face. "Well, it didn't take you long to move on, now did it, Tommy?" Beth noted that she called him Tommy and not Tom, like everyone else.

"What did you think I would do, become celibate?" A look of hurt flashed across Amy's features.

"No." She admitted. "But I didn't think you would be out on the pull only a few weeks after your marriage had broken down."

"And whose fault was that?" Beth felt like an intruder on their private argument.

"Mine. Okay, I'll admit that I did something wrong, but I'm sorry now, Tommy."

"I don't think sorry will cover this, love." Beth couldn't help be add her own words in to the mix. She never had been very good at keeping her nose out of other people's business.

"And what's it got to do with you?" Amy turned to her now. "You're just his rebound." The words stung, but hurt even more when she realised that there was at least a bit of truth in them. Beth knew she should've kept her words to herself. She was hypocrite for judging this woman like that. She was no better than the woman standing in the doorway. The thought she was currently entertaining made her uncomfortable.

"Amy." He said, quietly. "Can we please do this somewhere else, somewhere more private?"

Amy nodded. "Do you want to come round, tonight?" From the look on Tom's face, he didn't really like the thought.

"With Dominic be there?" Beth guessed that Dominic was the best friend who was sleeping with her.

"Not if you don't want him to be."

"So you're still with him then? Even without the sneaking around?" It was a low blow and they all knew it.

Amy changed the subject. "Are you going to tell me her name, then Tommy?"

"Her name is Beth."

"I guess that if I go to your place, she'll be there?"

"Beth and I are not to together."

"So you're just sleeping with her?" Amy said, incredulously.

"No." He denied. "We were together, but…things happened and our relationship ended."

"So why were you kissing?"

"I-we just got caught up in the moment." The statement sound less than convincing but Amy decided to let it go.

"Are you going to come tonight, or not?" Amy said, suddenly impatient.

"Alright. I'll be there at eight." Tom said, tersely, after a pause of a few seconds. Amy nodded and left. An awkward silence descended on the pair of them.

"So…" Beth said, tentatively. "What happens now?"

"What d'you mean?"

"Don't be thick, Tom." She paused. "What do we do about this?" She said, gesturing around the room. "What just happened, the kissing?"

"Nothing. We just act normal." He said, standing up. She was about to complain but he walked out of the room before she could. His mind was on other things, but her mind was empty. Neil walked past the open door, and she deflated a little. Her mind wasn't empty any longer.

…


	5. Chapter 5

_**I'm sorry this is late; I had internet troubles yesterday that meant I couldn't put it up.**_

…

_Chapter 5_

_Thursday 12__th__ October 2017_

…

Beth was clutching her cardboard cup of coffee as if her life depended on it. She was holding it so tight her knuckles had started to go white – it was either this, making her knuckles white, or bursting out in tears. She much preferred the former option to the latter. The reason she felt like bursting into tears first thing on a Thursday morning? Neil was standing several meters in front of her, with his arm around his new girlfriend.

She was being hypocritical again, but she didn't care. It felt as if her heart was being ripped out. Now she knew why Tom had been uneasy about going to Amy's house when there was the possibility of her new fella being there – because it hurt like hell to see someone you had once cared out so much with someone else.

When the couple had disappeared into the lift, she released her grip on the coffee - but as she took a swig of the drink she realised that it had gone cold. She chucked it into the bin and joined the queue for the lift.

Neil's new girl was a nurse by the name of Lucy. She worked on AAU, and she was nice enough on the two occasions that she and Beth had crossed paths. Neil and Lucy had been together for nearly three weeks, but Beth had only discovered their relationship two weeks ago, just after she had left the office after Tom had given her stitches and then had been witness to their argument. She had seen them kissing and no matter what she had told Jac – who had been standing beside her at the time – it had hurt to see him with someone else.

She shook her head, slightly, as she got into the lift. It was a short ride up to Darwin and she spent it trying not to think about Neil and his new girlfriend. The doors pinged and the first thing she saw as she looked out onto the ward was Neil. He was thankfully alone. She strode from the lift, trying not to show Neil how much she was hurting. Alex's words floated into her head: '_What you said before, how you acted in front of him, you didn't want him to see that you're actually hurting.' _She realised how apt his words where, now and in the past.

The discomfort - that that realisation gave her - rose up in her chest and engulfed her. Her breathing speeded up, and her pulse quickened. She forced her legs to move, and a few seconds she was sitting on a chair in the staffroom. She made herself breathe deeply and slowly. She believed that she'd just had a panic attack, but she wasn't sure. Whatever it had been, she was recovered now.

She had just stood up to go make herself a coffee, when the door open and she slumped back into the chair. It was Neil. She sighed and made her way to the coffee machine. She made sure her back was to him, and he couldn't see that tears where sparkling in her eyes.

"We can't go on like this, Neil." She whispered, quietly. She was still staring at the coffee machine, as she spoke.

"Like what?" He said quietly, and as he did, she turned around.

"Like this!" She exclaimed, gesturing around the room. "Trying to avoid each other, even when we're colleagues. And remember, Neil, we've done this before. It didn't end well, did it?" Neil shook his head. "So, what do we do?"

He thought about it for a few seconds, before speaking. "One of us has to leave."

"I'm not leaving. I'm happy here."

"So am I." He hesitated. "It's your fault that we're here having this conversation, so you should go."

"No." She said the one syllable forcefully.

"You're the one who said we can't go on like this."

"We can't."

"What do we do then?" He exclaimed, exasperation in his voice.

"I don't know." She admitted, quietly. "Neil…Neil…I am sorry." She whispered into the silent room.

"I know." He said, after a pause.

"I wouldn't blame you if you hated me. I hate me." She said. She sighed.

"You know I can't forgive you."

"Oh, I know that." She paused. "Doesn't mean I stop hoping." He sighed.

"You've got to let me go, Beth."

"Don't you think I've tried?" She said, sharply. "You would've thought it would've been easy. When I hurt you like that, it doesn't make sense that I should still be in love with you afterwards." She spoke quietly and softly, but Neil heard her loud and clear.

Her words had caught him off guard. He looked at her uneasily. "You know saying that doesn't make what you did okay."

She nodded. "Nothing can make what I did okay, and I have the rest of my life to live with the guilt."

"I just…I just never understood why? Why you would do that. Why you would go and betray me like that."

"I can't explain what I did."

"And then there's that!" He exclaimed, again exasperated. "You can't explain what you did, and I think that hurts the most." He paused. "I'm happy now. I'm happy here. I think this is going to end like it did last time. One of us has to go, Beth. And we both know who."

"Why should I go? I was here first." She knew full well that she sounded like a petulant child but she didn't care, she just wanted to get her point across.

"I can't do this!" He suddenly snapped, standing up and flinging his arms out wide. "I can't spend another second looking at you. You disgust me." She took the words, and tried to keep the mask on – the mask that didn't care what he said.

"Whatever, Neil." She said, in an offhand manner. He watched him gulp, and she knew she had riled him. He always gulped when he was angry, as a way of trying to calm himself down.

"You hurt me so bad, and yet you just sat there…sat there like the nine years we were together meant nothing to you. Well, it meant something to me. I _loved_ you. And what did you do? You just threw it all back in my face." He said, shaking his head.

"Neil-"

"No, Beth. I need to know why. Why you did what you did. I need to know, so it's a little easier to bear." The mask slipped off with his words. He sounded so hurt, so vulnerable. She reached out a hand, and placed it on his cheek.

"Oh, Neil…I'm so sorry." She whispered, and she saw tears glistening in his eyes. "Neil…" Before she knew what she was doing, she leant across and kissed him.

She kissed him tentatively at first but then he relaxed into it, and it became more passionate. He reached his arms and encircled her, pulling her towards him.

Then, suddenly, he stopped. His body became ridged, and his muscles tensed. She broke the kiss and looked up at him. She saw something flash in his eyes – pain, love, hurt? – but then his eyes went cold, dead and lifeless. She could feel his hands start to sweat, and she took a step back. His mouthed opened like a fish, and then he gulped.

It was then she realised he was angry, and he was angrier than she had ever seen him before. She searched her memory as to why he would change between emotions that quickly – one second he was passionate and loving, and then all of a sudden he was spitting with anger.

She could see a vein pulsing in his neck, and for a second she was scared as to what he would do, if he could hurt her he was so angry. Then she almost laughed at that thought. Neil wouldn't - no, she corrected herself – couldn't ever hurt her.

She looked at his eyes. They were cold and hard, and they almost made something in her break. He opened his mouth again, but all that came out was a jumble of incomprehensible sounds. He shut his mouth and lunged forwards, and pushed his way past her. She didn't turn around, and stood staring at the wall. The only reason she knew he had left for sure was the loud slam of the door.

The image of his eyes – cold, hard, dead and lifeless – was burned onto her eyes. She knew it was her fault they had look like that.

She knew they would haunt her.

…

_Friday 13__th__ March 2017_

Beth hated meetings. She hated how they put her on the spot and how she had to do so much planning and paperwork. She also hated paperwork. All she wanted to do was help people, and she didn't want to have to fill out a form every single time she did.

She turned the corner and she saw the polished door to the conference room. She pushed it open. Instantly she saw that Alex was sitting at the table, but he had a look like thunder on his face. As she moved further into the room, she saw why. Neil was sitting exactly opposite him, a twin look on his face.

Jac was sitting next to Neil, and Professor Hope was sitting next to her. Serena Campbell was sitting next to Alex, and sitting next to her was a man she only knew the name of through reputation – Ric Griffin. There where three other consultants in the room – one was a man she vaguely recalled was called Spence or something similar, and was American and there was a man and a woman she didn't know the names of. The woman was quite young for a consultant, at least a good five or six years younger than Beth and Jac, and she had blonde hair and tired eyes. The man was a great big bear of a man, but she remembered that Jac had told her that he was very friendly.

And finally, Mr Hanssen was sitting at the head of the table. He was looking annoyed. Beth was the last one to arrive and she was five minutes late, after her surgery had overrun. She took the only available seat, next to the unknown young woman. "Nice to see you finally grace us with your presence, Miss Wilkes." Mr Hanssen drawled. She scowled slightly. She watched Neil out of the corner of her eye. He was trying hard not to look at her. They hadn't spoken since yesterday and confrontation in the staffroom.

The atmosphere in the room was very awkward, as everyone had realised that there was something up between the brothers. She glanced around the table, wondering if anyone had realised that she was involved in their dispute, that in fact she had been the cause of it. She caught Serena looking at her, and realised that she knew it had something to do with her.

She glanced up at Mr Hanssen, just as he started speaking. "So, we are here to discuss how the budget for this coming year will be distributed." He stopped speaking, abruptly. He was staring straight at Neil and Alex. "Mr Williams and Mr Williams could you please stop throwing each other dirty looks and concentrate." She watched, and had to stifle a laugh when they both scowled.

"I can't work with him." Neil said, quietly. "Not after what he did." All the people around the table heard him, even though he spoke quietly.

"Oh for goodness sake, Neil. Leave it." Alex said, rolling his eyes and fiddling with a pencil.

"Why! Why. Tell me a reason why I should put up with you after what you did?" Neil replied, standing now.

"Deal with it! She wanted me not you!" Alex countered.

"Don't you dare! You are nothing." He shouted.

"Nothing!" Alex scoffed.

"Yeah, you'd have to be nothing to go that low. You slept with your brother's wife for god's sake. _My_ wife, Alex. Mine, not yours."

"You obviously weren't good enough for her; she was practically begging me for it. She doesn't care about you. She cares about me." He hissed. Beth saw Neil gulp, and she realised what was going to happen before it did.

Neil ran forward and shoved his older brother into the wall, and Alex's chair went flying. Neil held his arm across his neck, making it hard for Alex to breathe.

"Take that back." He said, pushing him against the wall, again – even harder now. He was constricting Alex's airway even more.

"I…" He rasped. "take…" He rasped, again, and it was painful to watch.

"Stop now!" Beth shouted, standing up, and striding towards the grappling pair. "Please, Neil." She added, softly, and she placed a hand on Neil's back. "Come on, now, Neil." She coaxed. He dropped his arm to his side and Alex dropped to the floor, but Beth didn't care. All her attention was on her ex-husband and what he had become. What she had made him become.

The man she thought was called Spence stood up and went to grab Neil and pull him backwards as he probably deemed him a danger still, but Beth stopped him with an arm. She knew that Neil wouldn't hurt anyone else. All his anger was directed at her and Alex.

She put her hand around Neil's wrist, and gently tugged him backwards. They walked in step to the other side of the room. Neil's back hit the wall, with a thud, and he slid down it – so that he was sitting on the floor. "Oh god." He muttered, and he put his head in his hands. Beth turned around and saw that everyone in the room was staring at them, everyone but Alex. Alex was glaring at them.

"Well…" Hanssen drawled. "This was _very_ successful."

…


	6. Chapter 6

_Chapter 6_

_Friday 22__nd__ December 2017_

…

The Christmas season had crept up on Beth like an unwanted birthday gift. She didn't like Christmas anymore, it reminded her of Christmases gone by when she was happily married. She hadn't like Christmas before Neil and she didn't like it after. Things in Beth's life always had a habit of going wrong at Christmas.

She walked down the corridor and a shiny new addition to the notice board caught her eye. She made her way over and read the large words. She paled, and had to put a hand out to support herself. She had another thing to add to the list of things that had gone wrong at Christmas.

The announcement informed her of the engagement of Neil Williams and Lucy Morgan and that they were holding an engagement party at Albie's that evening. The announcement and party was obviously the work of Lucy, as when she and Neil had announced their impending marriage to their co-workers, they had just simply told them. There was no need for a showy party or announcement in the hall.

She shook her head, and sighed. If she hadn't lost him for certain before, then she had no chance now. He was getting married. She wondered if Lucy knew that he had been married before. She guessed that Lucy did know, after all the whole hospital knew that Alex had slept with his ex-wife behind his back. Not all of them knew it was her, though, and she had kept it that way.

Her phone went off and she pulled it out of her pocket, slowly. Her heart was weighing her down. The message from Hanssen was short and to the point. They hadn't talked much over the four months that Beth had worked at Holby, and even less since the incident with Neil and Alex in the meeting.

Neil and Alex had both kept their jobs, to the relief of Beth. She would have felt guilty if Neil had lost his job because of her. Alex had gotten a written warning, and even though Neil had been working here for an even shorter time than her, he was on his final warning. If he put even a foot wrong he was out. Hanssen wanted to see her in his office.

As she walked down the hall in the direction of Hanssen's office, a hand tapped her on the shoulder. She turned and saw the young consultant from the meeting. She had since learned that her name was Gemma and she was married to the consultant she had only known as Spence. She had been right about that and she had learnt his first name – Michael.

"Sorry to bother you, but have you seen Neil?" Gemma asked, cautiously.

"No." She said, curtly. She didn't like talking about Neil with other people. "I've got to get to Hanssen's office, sorry." Beth said, over her shoulder as she hurried away. She liked Gemma and admired her achievements, but she could get on her nerves sometimes.

She got to Hanssen's door and knocked. She heard Hanssen tell her to come in and she followed his instructions. She walked into the room, and instantly knew why Gemma had had trouble with finding Neil; he was in Hanssen's office as well. They didn't look at each other, and instead, she fixed her gaze on Hanssen.

"Miss Wilkes." Hanssen acknowledged. "You and Mr Williams, here," He said, gesturing to Neil. "have been chosen to attend a team building course at Loughborough Hall. You will leave after this meeting is over and you'll return later this evening." Beth sighed, this evidently Hanssen's plan to make them work better together. She wondered why Alex wasn't coming, too. She realised that it was because she and Neil worked on the same ward, and it was making issues.

"Yes, Mr Hanssen." Beth said, and Neil nodded.

"Right, then, you'd better go. Here are the directions." Hanssen passed her folded sheet of paper. She nodded, and both she and Neil filled out of the office. It was then that a thought struck her.

"How are we going to get there?" Beth asked.

"Err, by car." Neil said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"I don't have my car. I usually take the train to work."

Neil sighed. "I'll drive us then."

…

It didn't take them long to fall back into the roles they had held during their long journeys across Europe when they had been married. Neil drove, and Beth told him where to go. About ten minutes into the journey, Beth asked if she could turn on the music.

Neil had kept the same car from the days when they were married, and Beth hoped that he hadn't removed her music from the player. Neil nodded, and she pushed the on button. The machine flickered into life a few seconds later.

She fiddled with the buttons and it took her a while, as she hadn't used the machine for years, but soon the band Athlete was blaring out of the speakers. It was one of their old albums – Tourist – and currently playing was Beth's favourite song on the album, Wires. It had been Neil's favourite too, but she didn't know if his music tastes had changed over the years.

It took them approximately fifty-four minutes, from when Beth had turned the music on, to get to Loughborough Hall. It was a grand building, with three floors, and many windows. It reminded Beth of where Neil and she had had their wedding reception. They exited the car in silence.

The walked up the gravel drive, the loose stones crunching under foot. It was now that Beth realised she had chosen the wrong sort of shoes that morning. She was wearing high heels, and they were already making her feet ache.

Neil got to the door first and Beth followed him in. The walked down a narrow corridor, following arrows on the wall. They arrived in a big room, which was full of chairs that were placed in groups of five or six, and there were a lot of people too.

There was a man, standing just a few feet away from them, who was holding a clipboard. They went up to him. "What's your name?" He asked. He had a sticker on his chest that read Paul.

"Neil Williams." The man checked it against his list and then smiled.

"Hello, Neil." He said, handing him a sticker with his name on. Neil took it hesitantly and stuck it on his shirt. "Have a seat." Paul gestured behind him. "What's your name?" He asked Beth.

"Beth…" She had to stop herself saying Williams, even though she hadn't been called that for four years. "Beth Wilkes." She corrected herself. Paul checked her name, but he kept looking up at her, and giving her a nervous smile.

"I don't have a Beth Wilkes on our list but we do have an Elisabeth Wilkes, is that you?" Beth nodded. "Hello, Elisabeth." He handed her, her sticker and she put it on. "Take a seat." She nearly scowled at him. She had made it clear that she preferred to be called Beth, and still he had called her Elisabeth and even worse still, her sticker said Elisabeth.

She walked off, and she saw Neil immediately. He was sitting in one of the clusters of chairs, alone. She walked up to him, and sat opposite him. She watched him roll his eyes, but she just shrugged it off.

"So, when did you propose to Lucy." She said, casually, trying not to let him hear the hurt in her voice.

"The other day." He said, waving it away as it didn't matter. Well it might not be that much of a big deal to him, but it was to her.

"And the party tonight, that was Lucy's idea, right?"

"Oh yeah, it was really my idea." He said, sarcastically, and for a second he was the old Neil, the one before the hurt – the one from the picture on her mantelpiece.

The lapsed in to silence, but they were saved from further awkwardness by a man and a woman coming and sitting down in their cluster of chairs. His name sticker said he was called Fred and she was Lily. They sat down, next to each other, so now there was only one remaining seat.

Beth's eyes were drawn to a temporary stage at one end of the hall. The man – Paul – was shuffling paper, and standing on a podium. There was a screeching of a chair getting dragged backwards and Beth turned back to face Neil. A woman had taken the last remaining space. She looked flustered, and was searching through her handbag, looking for something. She glanced up for a second, and Beth was sure she recognised her. The woman's eyes focused on the stage, and Beth got a look of her name sticker. She was sure she was right now. Her sticker read Danni. Beth and Neil's eyes met. They both recognised her, but would she recognise them?

She turned her eyes back to the stage. Paul had started talking, but Beth had zoned out. He spoke for five minutes and then informed them that they were going to complete team activities in their groups of five and sixes. Beth sighed, and then turned back to her 'team'. Neil was staring at Danni and Beth followed his gaze. Fred said something, and the woman – Lily – laughed. Danni looked up, and both of them averted their gazes. She wondered how long it would take her to realise who they were.

"So, what's our first activity?" Neil inquired to Fred, who was holding the timetable for the day. They first activity was something called Marble Run. It was as they were walking over to the marble run station she recognised them. "My god, it is you!" She exclaimed. Beth turned around, her eyebrows raised.

"It took you long enough, Danni." Neil said, quietly. Danni had worked with them at University Hospital of North Durham, the hospital where Neil and Beth had first met thirteen years ago. She had left just before Beth had embarked on her affair with Alex. She didn't know that they were no longer married.

"Yeah, I recognised you the moment you sat down. You haven't changed on bit." Beth added.

"Well, you've changed quite a lot." Beth and Neil's eyes met, but Danni didn't know how apt her words where, and how much her two friends had changed. "Why are you being so quiet? Something happen?"

"Danni…" Beth started.

"We're no longer married." Neil finished, and suddenly Beth was reminded of a time long ago when Neil had used to finish her sentences, and she used to get so annoyed by it. Danni's mouth dropped open.

"Nice goldfish impression." Beth quipped.

"Since when?" She asked, trying to hide the surprise in her voice. "I thought you'd make it through everything. Shows how wrong I was." She was reminded of something that Tom had said - that night in the bar - to describe him and Amy. They had both used exactly the same words.

"Four years ago, Danni."

"So what are you doing here, together, if you got divorced four years ago. Don't tell me it was a coincidence, because I won't believe you."

"We work together, and our boss decided that we would come here and do with a team work course. So, here we are." Neil informed her, not telling her the whole truth. Neither of them wanted to talk about Alex. "What about you?"

"One of my colleagues is a stupid idiot and one day I snapped and informed him of this little fact. My boss decided that I should come here and learn some skills that I was lacking in." Beth smirked, Danni had always had a temper on her and she never knew when to keep her mouth shut. "And why do you work together if you're divorced?"

"Now that was a coincidence." Beth said. "I just turned up at work one day and there he was." Danni nodded. "So, should we do the activity, now?" She said, watching Fred and Lily struggle with the challenge, alone.

"Why not?"

…

They spent the journey back to Holby in silence. They had completed the activities that had been set for them, and had caught up with Danni in the quiet moments. Neither of them informed her why they were now divorced. Then they had been another boring speech by Paul, and then they had said goodbye to Danni, and promised to meet up with her again sometime soon.

Beth and Neil hadn't talked very much during the day, and she felt uncomfortable with him, in the car. The music blasting out of the speakers couldn't disguise the silence between them.

It was late by the time they arrived back in Holby and they both had had a long day. Both of their shifts had ended hours before, but Neil had still driven to the hospital, and Beth knew it was because he didn't know where she lived. He was staying here, because the engagement party was starting soon and it was being held in bar near the hospital.

They sat in the car, in silence, for a couple of minutes, a music track playing softly in the background. "Neil?" Beth said, quietly. She saw his head bob up and down in the dim lights of the car. "I'm sorry." She said, softly. Neil didn't say anything. "He was there, and you weren't."

"What?"

"Work took us over, Neil. I realise that now. I was so focused on work, and one day I looked in the mirror and didn't recognise myself anymore. So I cut back my hours and started living my life again. And every night I would stay up late, waiting for you to get home from work. I'd sit there for hours and you'd come in at some ridiculously hour, and I would have fallen asleep waiting for you." She paused. "And by the end, I waited up for your call, your call that just told me that you were held up by something or other and you'd be late. I waited for that just so I could hear your voice." She stopped for a second, as her voice was too clogged up with emotion for her to continue. "I not making excuses, but you wanted to why I did what I did. I'm telling you, Neil." She informed him.

"And then one night he turned up. He was there and you weren't. He made me feel wanted." She turned and looked at him, tears swimming in her eyes. "And you, you realised too late that you were concentrating too much on work, you were leaving me alone in the cold. You came back to me, Neil. I finally got the man I loved back, but by then it was too late. I ended it with him, but he just went and got drunk and then made that awful scene on the ward." She swallowed. "I was all ready to sit down with you and explain. But he beat me to the punch." She said, wistfully. "I have to tell you, because I'm in love with you and I'm going to lose you." She paused, letting her words sink in. "So there, I told you." She said, reaching for the car door.

She felt a hand close around her wrist, and she turned to face him. Their eyes locked. "I'm sorry I left you out in the cold." He said, quietly.

"Don't." She said, softly. She slid her hand into his and it felt safe there, like it belonged. She watched as he leant across and clicked her seatbelt in, and then she saw him do the same with his. He reversed the car and drove down the road. She wasn't sure where he was taking her, but she had a rough guess. A song came on, and Beth turned the music up.

They both knew what was going to happen, and neither of them did a thing to stop it.

…

_**Hope you liked this chapter. Reviews are welcome. **_


	7. Chapter 7

_Chapter 7_

_Friday 22__nd__ December 2017_

…

She thought that it had meant something. She thought that she had finally made things right again. As she watched the car back out of the driveway she knew that she had been wrong.

She could feel the tears making tracks down her face, and she knew that she looked a right state. She wrapped her arms around her tighter. She closed her eyes, trying to stop the tears, but it was too hard for her. It had been a long time since she had truly let herself go like this and let the tears fall.

She turned away from the window and stared back at the empty house. It was similar to the one that they had shared when they had lived together. She hadn't looked around much of it, and she didn't thing that Neil wanted her to. He had only left her here because he had panicked and had no other option.

He had left her here and fled his house to go to the engagement party – his engagement party. He had told her to gather up her things, call a taxi, go home and forget about what had just happened between them.

She knew she never would.

She went into the bedroom and found her shoes after a few seconds of searching. She pulled the heels on and walked into the hall. When she got to the dresser in the hall, just below the window, something drew her attention. A draw was slightly open. She pulled the draw open and nearly smiled, in spite of everything. It was a photograph, the same photograph that Beth kept on her mantelpiece. Even he couldn't get rid of it. It showed them in happier times, but Beth noticed that there was a dent in the top of frame, and a crack snaking down the glass.

It looked as if someone – Neil – had placed it in the cupboard rather haphazardly, like they had been in a rush, and had pushed it into the draw so hard it had hit the far end and cracked the glass. The crack snaked all the way down the picture and Beth saw, rather aptly; it almost completely separated the two people in the picture. Neil was on one side of the crack and she was on the other. She nearly laughed at how well it depicted her and Neil's relationship at the moment. There was a massive crack between them that neither time nor words could heal.

She shut the draw carefully, determined not to damage the picture anymore. She walked into the hall, her heels clacking on the wooden floor. She reached her hands up to her face and wiped away the tears. She stepped up to the door and opened it, the strong wind blowing her already tangled hair into a further mess. The night was dark as Beth stepped from the warm of the house into the cold. She pulled the door to behind her and heard the door click. It was now locked. She walked up the short drive and onto the pavement.

If Neil thought that she'd would just go home and forget about what happened, then he was wrong.

…

The bar where the engagement party was taking place in was called Albie's. The bar's car park was packed. It was a good thing that she didn't have a car to park, as she wouldn't have found a space. She strolled up to the door and pushed it open. She could hear a low rumble of voices, even from a distance. The main bar area was quite big but she spotted the happy couple immediately. Neil had his arm around Lucy's waist. He hadn't told her what he had spent the past hour doing, then, and she had evidently bought his excuse to why he was late.

She slipped into a seat near the back of the bar, not wanting Neil to see she was here, at least not yet. She stared down at the table mat, trying to work out how she could have predicted what would happen and how she could have stopped it - but truth be told she didn't want to have stopped it.

It had happened and neither one of them had done a thing to stop it. She didn't look up but she felt someone sit down next to her. "Well, you're being brave. I wouldn't have come to my ex's engagement party." Serena Campbell commented. She looked up and their eyes met.

"I like being brave." She said, quietly.

"So it seems." Serena switched her attention from Beth to the happy couple, who were raising a toast to their good fortune. She wondered if they were ever going to make it down the aisle. She doubted it after what had transpired today.

She watched Neil glance around the room and then she felt his eyes fall on her. She purposely didn't look at him – she couldn't. Instead she turned to Serena. "Have you ever been married?" She asked. She felt Serena bristle beside her, but then she relaxed a little.

"He left me for another woman." Serena said, quietly. Beth hadn't been expecting that. "He left me to be a single mother to a four year old child." Beth watched Serena become swallowed up in the past. Beth looked at Serena again; she hadn't thought that she was a mother. It was another thing she hadn't expected.

"How old is your child, now?"

"Twenty two. It's been eighteen years."

"A long time." Serena nodded. A shadow fell over the table, and Beth looked up. Neil was standing, glaring at her. "Neil." Beth acknowledged. She watched as anger swam across his eyes. "Serena, I think you should go." Serena did as Beth asked.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Neil hissed angrily, sliding into the seat that Serena had just vacated.

"I wanted to see if you had told her."

"Told who what?"

"Your fiancé. That you slept with me." She saw more anger flash across his eyes.

"Go now." He said, forcefully, standing up.

"No."

"Go." He ordered, grabbing her arm and trying to lift her out of her seat. "Go." He repeated. She shook her head, and she saw more anger flash across his eyes. "Now."

"No." She said, trying to shake his hand off his arm. She wasn't sure why she had come here, knowing that she would infuriate Neil. Maybe she wanted to incite a reaction in him, after he had just left her in his house. "Do you want me to tell her?" Beth asked, and his grip tightened. "You think you're going to get away with it?" Beth asked, a few seconds later. "You never will." She snapped. "I'm not making empty threats, you know. I will tell her."

"Shut up."

"No. By the way, does she know that I was your wife?" His grip tightened even further - and Beth knew that soon, she was going to lose the feeling in her arm. "I'll take that as a no, then." He didn't let go. She bit her lip, trying to stop herself screaming out at the pain. "Let go!" She suddenly snapped, shouting. The pain had become too much – not just the physical pain either.

She didn't look up, but she knew that everyone was looking at them. Neil dropped her arm almost instantly. She rubbed it, trying to regain feeling in her arm and fingers. "Thank you." She muttered. She looked up, and she saw that she had been right. The entire focus was now on them.

She watched as Lucy made her way over to them. She looked up at Neil, just as he looked down at her. Their eyes met, and she knew that she wasn't going to tell Lucy about what had happened. She stood up, gathering her things and glancing at Neil one more time. She walked around the table and as she brushed past her ex-husband, she leant across and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He didn't flinch when her lips touched his face, like she thought he would. "I hope you're happy." She said, her tone full of sarcasm. She continued past him and out of the bar and in to the dark, just as Lucy reached her fiancé.

…

She walked across the car park, weaving her way through the parked cars. She got to the edge of the car park, and removed her phone. She connected to the internet and had just gotten onto the National Rail website, when somebody tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around, thinking it would be either Neil or Lucy. Tom was standing behind her. "Hey." She said, quietly.

"Hey." He paused then spoke. "What was that about?"

"Things." She said, in an offhand manner.

"What things?" Suddenly, she had an urge to tell Tom about what had happened. She hesitated, but then looped her arm through his and dragged him with her as she started to walk away. They walked in silence for a few minutes, along the side of the road. "So, you going to tell me?" Beth nodded, realising that she had to get it off her chest – it was hurting her too much.

"We slept together." She stated, softly. She wasn't sure he had heard her at first. "We-" She was interrupted.

"I heard you the first time. Does Lucy know?"

"No."

"Are you going to change that?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because Neil doesn't want to."

"So?"

"I want him to be happy."

"And you think a marriage based in lies will make him happy?"

"He does. I'm not sure." She paused. "He's a hypocrite, you know. He knows exactly how it feels to be in her shoes. He knows how much it hurts."

"So why don't you tell her?" She shrugged. "When?" Tom asked, quietly.

"Earlier." She saw, in the dark, Tom raise his eyebrows at that. "We made love and then he told me to go home and forget about it." She laughed, but it lacked humour. "I couldn't forget it if I tried." She stopped dead in her tracks. A tear escaped and it made a track down her face. Tom brought a finger up to her face, and wiped the tear away. "No, Tom." Beth whispered. "I'm in love with someone else. It wouldn't work." He dropped his hand like he had been burned.

"Do want a lift home?" Beth nodded.

…

_Monday 5__th__ February 2018_

Beth felt empty. She felt numb. She had cried herself out, so no tears made their way down her face. She knew she was in shock, but there was nothing she could do about it. She wrapped her arms around her stomach, and then she reached a hand behind her. Her fingers grasped the white stick and she brought it up to her face again. She hadn't read it wrong the first time.

She was pregnant.

She knew that it must be Neil's. She hadn't slept with anyone after him and the last person she had slept with before him had been Tom, but that had been more than four months ago, so it had to be his. She stared straight ahead of her, trying to take in the news. Tom had kept his promise, and he hadn't told anyone that she and Neil had slept together, but she knew that their secret would have to come out now.

Lucy and Neil were getting married in two weeks' time, in a registry office in the centre of Holby. Both of them had been married before – which had come as a shock to Beth, as she didn't think that Lucy was the type – and neither of them wanted to have a big white wedding, this time round – they had done that the first time. They had announced all of this a few weeks earlier. She was going to wreck all of their plans.

Surprising Beth, a knock came at the door of the cubicle she was in. She hadn't been able to make herself take the test when she had been at home, so she had completed it in the toilets in the hospital. "Beth?" She recognised Jac's voice. "You've been in here a while, are you okay?" She asked, concern invading her tone.

Beth reached out a hand and unlocked the door. She stood up and walked from the cubicle, the test still tightly clutched in her hand. She walked, unsteadily on her feet, to the basin. She splashed water onto her face, just as Jac realised that she was holding something in her hand. "What's…?" Was all Jac said, before Beth handed the test to her. "You're pregnant?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

Beth nodded, and she took the test back. "And are you okay with that?" Jac asked, and Beth shook her head. "Why?"

"I…I can't tell you." She whispered.

"Why not?"

"It's complicated." Then, she suddenly realised that she could talk to Tom about this. He knew about Neil. "Where's Tom?" She asked, quickly.

"He's the father?" Jac asked, confused.

"No."

"His on his break now. Why? If he's not the father, why?"

"It doesn't matter." Beth informed her, as she walked past her to the door. She opened the door slowly, as the weight of what she had just discovered finally fell on her. She was pregnant, with her ex-husband's baby, and her ex-husband was getting married in two weeks to the woman he had been with when they had slept together. It was all a big mess, really.

She found Tom a few minutes later, sitting with his feet up in the staffroom – thankfully without bumping into Neil on the way. He arched his eyebrows in confusion, when she walked into the staffroom. "What's up, Beth?" Instead of answering, she handed him the test. His mouth nearly dropped open.

"Neil?" He spluttered the one word. "Or mine?" He said, after the thought occurred to him.

"Do I look four months gone to you, then?" She said, sarcastically.

"Right. So Neil's then?" She nodded. "And I guess neither of you were expecting for you to get pregnant?" Beth shook her head.

"It didn't enter my head that I could be…"

"But you are. So, what are you going to do?"

"I don't know."

"Have you told him?"

"No. Jac knows I'm pregnant but not that it's Neil's. I was in shock and I showed her the test. You're the only one who knows that we slept together."

Tom nodded. "Tell him."

"I don't know…I'm not sure how to. We haven't talked a lot since." She paused. "He's going to want to kill me." She said, shaking her head.

"You don't know that. He may be besotted with the idea of being a father." Seeing the look of scepticism on her face, he spoke again. "You never know." He said, indignantly.

"Well, at least Lucy's going to want to kill me for sleeping with him."

"She doesn't seem the type to react with violence. Though, you don't really know until the emotions have been tested…"

"Stop scaring me, Tom." Beth said, quietly.

"Sorry."

"No, you're right. I have to tell him." She knew that if she didn't tell him before it got obvious, she knew that she would hurt him even more than she already had. Besides, what was the worst that could happen? He would deny that the baby was his, and was that really so bad? She had thought many a time that she would have been a better person without her father's influence, her father's shadow hanging over her. Maybe her child would be a better person, if they didn't have a father's influence.

She knew, really, that she was being stupid. Her child needed a father. All children need a father, just some father's turn out not to be good ones – like her's. She knew, in her heart, that Neil would make a good father. The thing was; would he be a good father to her child?

…

_Wednesday 21__st__ February 2018_

Today was the day. Today was the day she lost him forever. Today was the day that Neil and Lucy were getting married – and she still hadn't told him her news. She still hadn't told him that she was pregnant with his child. The thing was, it was easier to wait. When no clear cut opportunities had offered themselves, she had done just that - waited and waited. And now she had to tell him.

She could hardly concentrate on the patient she was treating. She finished what she was doing, and it turned out to be good timing. She suddenly felt a wave of nausea overcome her. She fled the ward, rushing to the toilets. She pushed open the door, and then entered a cubicle. She emptied the contents of her stomach in to the toilet bowl. She flushed the toilet and pulled the lid down. She then leant on her arms, resting her eyes. She hadn't got a full night's sleep since she had found out about the baby, so she was absolutely shattered.

She sighed, and exited the cubicle. She wiped her mouth on some paper, and looked at herself in the mirror. For the second time in her thirty-seven years, she didn't recognise the person standing opposite her. She didn't recognise herself.

She splashed water on her face, and smiled in the mirror. It felt fake. She sighed, and turned away. The ward was almost empty. She glanced at the clock, and almost took a double take. Neil and Lucy were getting married, right now, right this minute.

She gagged and for a second, she thought she was going to be sick again – but the nausea past. She walked slowly down the corridor. She swung the door to the locker room open and she sauntered over to her locker, trying to act casual. She entered the code and it opened. She removed her mobile from within and pushed the on button.

The screen flashed, and the screen saver appeared. It was a shot of her and Neil, taken in the first two years of their relationship, when they were so young and naive. It was taken during a picnic in the local park – the same park where he had proposed to her a few years later. Her eyes swam with tears, and she resolved to change it.

The phone finished turning on and she accessed the messaging feature. She just hoped that Neil still had the same number. She opened up a message and typed in two words: I'm pregnant. She found Neil's contact details and sent the message to him.

She was too much of a coward to do it in person, so she had sent him a text.

…

_**Hope you liked this chapter. Reviews are welcome. **_


	8. Chapter 8

_**This chapter is in Neil's P.O.V. and I'm putting it up early because I'm going on holiday and where we are going doesn't have internet. :( But hey, you get it early! :) **_

…

_Chapter 8_

_Wednesday 21__nd__ February 2018_

…

He was sitting at a table, playing with a wine glass. He was staring into the distance, his mind taken up by memories; memories of Beth. They were on a loop in his head; first the happy memories, and then the bad ones; the ones that hurt to think about. He searched the room, looking for his wife, not Beth anymore, but Lucy. She was standing a few metres away, a group of friends surrounding her; all the guests where either her friends or their work colleagues, as Neil hadn't made many friends yet.

He felt his phone buzz and he slid his hand into his pocket and removed it. He clicked the unlock button and a picture came into focus. He smiled, ever so slightly. The picture was of him and Beth, and it had been taken on their honeymoon. They had gone to Derbyshire, and it had snowed. They had gone outside one day and had ended up having a snowball fight. She had made a snowman, a little later, and he gotten one of the people who were staying in the cottage next to them to take a picture of them, either side of it. They were both smiling, and there was a light in his eyes that had faded since he had lost her.

'New message' flashed up on the screen, and he quickly pressed the open message button, as he didn't want to torture himself with the picture any longer. The message appeared and he nearly did a double take when he saw who it was from. He still had her number down as Ellie. He should change that, and his background, because what if Lucy found his phone?

He scanned the text, and then dropped the phone on to the table heavily, cursing under his breath. He reread the words, even though he knew he hadn't read it wrong the first time. He closed his eyes, slowly, taking it all in.

He felt a hand tap him on the back and he snapped his eyes open. A man was standing a few feet away from him, and was smiling warmly. He recognised the face of his oldest friend.

He had first met Liam Andrews when he was a medical school, and they had stayed in contact in the twenty years that had come after that. He clicked the back button on his phone, erasing the text from the screen. He was still troubled by its contents, but he put it to the back of his mind. "Congrats, mate." Liam said, slapping him on the back. Liam slipped into the chair next to his.

"I was wondering, though, what happened to your lovely first wife, the beautiful Beth?"

"I wasn't expecting you to come. I haven't seen you in years. Lucy ask you to come?" Neil asked, changing the subject – something that didn't go unnoticed by Liam.

"Yeah, she did." Liam said, his eyebrows knitted in confusion. Neil nodded, just as Liam spoke again. "You didn't answer my question." He said, quietly. "That bad a break up was it?"

"Yep."

"What happened, mate?" Liam asked, and Neil could hear the concern in his voice.

"She slept with Alex." He heard Liam inhale sharply.

"That's bad."

"I know." He stopped, not wanting to talk about Beth anymore, especially after her text. "How's Kylie?" Kylie was his daughter – Kylie's mother was Liam's ex-wife, and he only saw her on weekends the last time they had met.

"Me and Caitlin are giving it another shot, for Kylie's sake, and it's going well." He paused. "Your new wife is nice." He said, flatly. They lapsed into silence. Their friendship had lasted a long time, but they hadn't seen each other for nearly five years, and they both had changed in that time. "I'll see you, then Neil. Have a nice life." Liam said, and they both knew that it probably would be the last time they would see each other. They both stood, and embraced awkwardly. Then he walked out of the hall.

Neil slid his phone towards him and placed in back in his pocket. Lucy was still talking to the same group of friends she had been when he had last checked on her. He walked out of the hall, following the path Liam had taken. He walked around the side of the hall they were having their reception in and found an isolated spot, near the rear of the building. He pulled the phone out of his pocket and dialled Beth's mobile number. Neither of them had changed phones in the four years since they had divorced, and for once he was glad.

The phone rung for a few seconds, but then she picked up. "Hello, Beth Wilkes." She said, and Neil could tell that she was annoyed with something.

"It's Neil." He heard her voice catch, and then heard her try to cover it up.

"What do you want?" She said, tersely.

"I want an explanation."

"About what?"

"You being pregnant."

"You're a doctor, Neil. Work it out." She said, shortly. "What do want me to say?" She said, after a pause.

"I don't know." A silence descended over the pair.

"Where are you?" Beth asked, a few seconds later.

"Outside the reception hall."

"Oh." He would've had to be deaf to miss the hurt in the one word. "I'm sorry." He could hear how tired she was.

"Are you sleeping properly?" He asked.

"Why?"

"You sound really tired. I'm worried about you." There was a pause in the conversation.

"I'm not yours to worry about anymore. You have Lucy for that."

"You're right." He conceded.

"What are we going to do?" He thought about the options, but it only came back one thing, the only solution. It was the only thing she could do.

"Abortion."

"No." He should have known she would have said no, and he felt like an idiot. "This is my child, Neil; I'm not getting rid of it." He nodded, then realised that she couldn't see him.

"Of course." He said, sharply.

"Neil." She said, quietly. "I'm not going to shout it out on the rooftops; no one's going to know it's yours. I just want you to tell her. I don't want you to lie to her anymore."

"I'm not yours to worry about." He snapped, again sharply.

"I wasn't thinking about you." She said, tersely. "I was thinking about your wife." That shut him up. "I'll do fine as a single mum, anyway. I don't need you." It sounded like she was trying to convince herself, as well as him. "I'll see you, Neil." She hung up on him.

He held the phone up to his ear for a few more seconds, before dropping his hand to his side. He looked up when he heard footsteps from round the corner. Liam came round, a pensive look on his face. He had a cigarette clamped between two fingers. "I thought you gave up. For Caitlin." Neil stated.

"What she doesn't know won't hurt her." He hesitated, but then spoke. "D'you follow that rule, too? What Lucy doesn't know won't hurt her?" His words were like punches to his gut.

"What do you mean?" He tried to act confused, but he knew that Liam wouldn't buy it.

"The phone call, Neil. You were speaking loud enough for me to hear you around the corner. So, you've got someone knocked up, then?" He thought about lying, but then thought better of the idea. He nodded. "Who is she?"

"Beth." He spoke very quietly, but Liam heard him.

"As in your ex-wife, Beth?" He asked, completely stunned. He nodded. "But she slept with Alex!"

"I know that." He said, annoyed.

"So is she going to get rid of it?"

"No."

"I didn't think so. She was a strong one, Beth. Feisty, and she had a right temper, if I recall correctly." Neil smiled, but without happiness, remembering the first time that Liam had met Beth. Liam had earned a slap for his trouble that day. "Tell her, Neil." Liam urged him. "Are you in love with Beth?"

"I was."

"That doesn't answer my question. Do you love your wife?" He didn't answer. "I'll take from that what I will." A silence fell over them, like fog. "I'll be seeing you, Neil." Liam said, dropping his cigarette to ground and grinding it out with his heel. He walked away.

"Say hi to Caitlin from me." Neil shouted after him. His conversations with both Beth and Liam were troubling him. He slid his phone into his pocket and returned to his wedding reception.

…

_Saturday 17__th__ March 2018 _

The fresh air was cold on his skin. His tired eyes took in the sky, and all that was below it. The sky was a beautiful red colour – the sun was setting - but it didn't make him happy. A finger lightly jabbed him in the ribs. He turned to see his wife smiling broadly at him. He smiled back, and to his surprise it didn't feel fake. Everything at the moment felt fake to him.

Lucy's cheeks were red with cold and she was tightly wrapped up in a thick coat, hat, gloves and scarf. Neil was wrapped up too. He reached down and slipped his hand into hers. She leant her head on his shoulder and they walked a few steps to a bench. Lucy let go of his hand and sat down on the bench, sighing. Neil joined her, a few seconds later.

A silence fell over the couple. Neil leant his elbows on his knees, and rested his head in his hands. He glanced at his wife, and caught her looking at him. He smiled, and she looked away. He stared at the lake that was one of the attractions of the park. The sun was starting to set, causing a red glow that was reflecting off the water. It was beautiful, but it reminded him of Beth so much it almost hurt. She loved sunsets, and he had grown to love them too.

He felt his phone buzz in his pocket and he fumbled for a few seconds with his gloves before sliding his phone out of his pocket. Someone was calling him. He clicked accept call, and brought the phone to his ear. "Neil Williams."

"Neil." He didn't need to ask who it was: Beth. He slowly stood up, and put his hand over the phone for a second and spoke to Lucy.

"I've got to take this." Lucy nodded, and he walked down the gravel path, away from the bench and Lucy. "What?" He said, sharply, once he had deemed himself far enough away.

"I'm having my twelve week scan and I thought…"

"You thought what?" He said, tersely, despite knowing exactly what she wanted him to do.

"That you would like to see your child. I thought wrong. You would have preferred me to an abortion. I understand; you want nothing to do with the child you helped create. You are going to deprive him of something that every child needs; a father, just because you are ashamed of what you did." He stayed quiet whilst she ranted at him.

"What do you want me to say?" He paused. "Do you want me to say that I'll divorce Lucy and we'll get back together and it'll all be okay?" He said, and there was a harsh edge to his voice. "I cannot and will not forgive you for what you did that easily."

"No matter what I have done, your child is innocent. You can't hate him for what I have done. You can't blame him."

"Him. You said him. Did you find out the sex, I didn't think you could this early?" She didn't answer for a few seconds.

"No. It's just a feeling I have. I'm hoping that it is going to be a girl, but I just have this feeling that it's going to be a boy. A little baby boy…" She trailed off. "If it's a girl I'm going to call her Katie. Katie Charlotte Wilkes." She stopped again. "And if it's a boy I'm going to call him Andrew Neil." Neil tried to interrupt her but she quietened him. "Why can't I give him the middle name Neil?"

"It's my name."

"So what?"

"People might guess."

"They won't, but if you're worried, then what would you like to call him. Don't worry, I won't see it as a sign you _actually_ want to be involved in the baby's life." She spoke quietly, but he could hear the hurt in her voice as clear as day.

"Mark." He paused for a second. "Can you call him Andrew Mark Willia-" He corrected himself quickly but she heard him. "Wilkes. Andrew Mark Wilkes."

"I can call him Williams if you want." She offered.

"No." He said, sharply. "Then it'll be obvious."

"Would it?"

"Of course."

"Wilkes it is, then." She hesitated, and even over the phone Neil could tell that she wanted to tell him something, but she couldn't work out how. "What about Shields, Andrew Mark Shields or Katie Charlotte Shields?"

"What do you mean?" The confusion was plain to hear in his voice.

"I mean what if our child had a step-father." It hit him like a blow to the stomach, and he couldn't speak for few seconds.

"You got someone waiting in the wings, then? A replacement for me?" He said, and he only said it to try and hurt her.

"No!" She said, indignantly. "But would you be okay with that?"

"Why do you have to ask me? I'm not having anything to do with the child."

"Your child, Neil." She said, softly. "I'll be seeing you, then." She was still speaking softly. He thought that she had hung up but then he heard her speak again. "Would you like a scan photo?"

He hesitated. "No." He heard her sigh, and then she really did hang up on him. He kept the phone at his ear for a few seconds after she had ended the call. He brought it away from his ear and he stared at it for a few seconds. A red mist enveloped him, a red mist aimed at Beth. He hurled the phone down on the soft earth. It made a satisfying crack.

He leant down and picked it up. There was a dent in one of the corners and there was a small fracture across the screen. It hadn't quiet broken yet. Then the picture of him and Beth from their honeymoon flashed onto the screen and a fracture deep inside him broke. He fell to his knees, tears sliding down his cheeks, and blurring his vision.

A face swam in front of his eyes, and for a second he thought it was Beth, but then his eyes focused a little more. It was Lucy. She dropped to her knees in front of him, and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him towards her. He sobbed into her chest for a few seconds, but then he pulled away. He wiped the tears away and stood up, embarrassed. Lucy was still kneeling on the ground, and she smiled up at him. He didn't smile in return.

…

_Friday 13__th__ April 2018 _

Neil couldn't sleep. His mind was plagued with thoughts of Beth and the fact that she was carrying his child. He hadn't slept through the night since he had found out. He had been lying in bed, staring at the ceiling for nearly half an hour now. One memory was haunting him more than the rest.

It was the memory of the night he had come home, and found his wife crying in the bath. It had been late, and he had been held up at work – there had been a meeting. He had found the house eerily silent and then he had gone upstairs. He had found her sobbing her eyes out in the bath tub. He remembered their conversation very clearly, and he wasn't sure why. For some reason, it had stuck in his mind.

_He slowly opened the bathroom door, not sure what he would find the other side. His eyes slowly adjusted to the dim light of the room – that reminded him, he needed to fix the light. He walked further into the room, and then he saw her. She was crumpled, her face buried in her arms. He heard muffled sobs coming from her. _

_He walked slowly across the tiled floor, and knelt down by the side of the bath. He rolled up his sleeves and wrapped his arms around her small frame, whispering sweet nothings in her ear. After a while of this, his wife straightened up. Her face was red and blotchy from the tears, but never in his life had he ever seen someone quite as beautiful as her. _

_He put his hands on her face, and brought his close to hers. He decided he didn't want to know why she had been crying, she could have her secrets. "I love you." He whispered, quietly. _

"_I know." She said, softly. _

One day Beth had looked in the mirror and hadn't recognised herself, and Neil had had the same revelation that day, when he came home from work to find her in tears. That was the trigger that had caused him to cut back his hours, and live his life again, but it had been too late for his marriage. She had been crying in the bath that evening because she realised the full weight of what she had done, Beth had told him later. It didn't really matter.

The phone ringing brought him out of his thoughts and back into here and now. He sat up and reached out and removed it from the cradle, putting it to his ear.

"Neil Williams." He said, and he felt Lucy stirring in the bed next to him.

"Neil, this is Tom Shields. I'm sorry to disturb you at this time of the morning but I think she would want you to know. It's about Beth." The name Shields made him sit up in bed. He was the man that might become the step-father to his child.

"What? What is this about, what does she want me to know?" Neil asked, confusion flooding his voice.

"It's about the baby." Neil froze.

"What?"

"Hasn't she told you?"

"Yes, she's told me." He snapped, irritably. "What's going on?"

"Beth collapsed on the ward fifteen minutes ago. The doctors treating her think that it had something to do with the baby, their running tests as we speak." His blood ran cold.

"I'm coming in." He made the decision in a split second, and as he spoke he stood up. He saw Lucy's eyes follow him as he walked towards the chest of draws that held all of his clothes. "Can you get one of the doctors on the phone?" Neil asked, and he heard movement on the other side of the line.

"Hello, I'm Dr Greenaway, and I'm treating Miss Wilkes. Are you the father?" Dr Greenaway inquired.

"Yes." He said, softly. "Tell me what's wrong with her, please." With the phone clamped to his ear with his shoulder, he pulled open a draw and pulled out a shirt. He changed in silence, with Lucy's eyes on him the whole time, and Dr Greenaway informing him of Beth's condition over the phone. "Thank you. I'll be there as a soon as possible." He said, as the doctor hung up on him. He reached over and slipped the phone back into the cradle.

"Where are you going?" Lucy finally asked.

"There's an emergency at work. I've got to go in." Neil seamlessly lied, and he realised that when Beth had told him, a long time ago, that lying was easy, she had been telling him the truth.

"Do think I could help?"

"No." He said, sharply. His face broke into a wide – fake – smile, and he leant across the bed and gave her a peck on the lips. "I'll be fine. You just go back to sleep and I'll be home before you know it." He straightened up, and left the room.

…

Tom was waiting in the car park when Neil got there. Tom led the way, and not a word was passed between the pair as they climbed the stairs to ward. They pushed through a set of automatic double doors.

They went through another set of doors, and then he saw her. She was all wired up to machines and what not. For a second, tears swam in his eyes. He walked, slowly, to chair by the side of the bed.

He took her hand in his, and kissed it. "She's asleep at the moment." Tom said, quietly. Neil nodded.

"Thank you." He said, quietly after a while, to Tom. Tom nodded in reply and left the two former lovers in the room alone. The doctor came in a few seconds later.

"Mr Williams?"

"Yes? Do you know what caused her to collapse?"

"Yes, I think we do. Beth had very low blood glucose levels and this caused her to collapse. Do you know if she had all of her meals today?"

"I have no idea." Neil admitted.

"Well, we are going to try and raise her glucose levels and then she and the baby will be fine." Neil nodded, and the doctor left him alone with her. He thought he could see a slight bump under the covers of the bed, but it could have been his tired eyes imagining things.

She didn't wake up for another couple of hours; but by the time she had, Neil was gone.

…

_Wednesday 16__th__ May 2018_

"So, would you like to go out for dinner?" The question from his wife brought Neil out his head. He had been going over the past in his head, and he hadn't noticed Lucy come up to him. He was standing at the nurses' station, a folder in front of him.

"Hmm?" He mumbled.

"I asked if you'd like to go out for dinner. There's a new Pizza Express in town and I thought we should go out for a romantic meal." He nodded, and Lucy turned away, satisfied. He looked up when he heard footsteps on the floor. Beth walked towards them, and sat down in the swivel chair. It took all of his strength to look away from her belly and back to his notes. There was an obvious bump now, and his eyes were always dragged to it, if he wanted to stare at it or not.

She looked something up on the computer, sighed and then stood up again. She started to walk off, but then she stumbled, hitting a cart of medical supplies and then landing heavily on her knees. Neil was beside her in a flash. He looped his arms under her armpits and lifted her carefully. "Did you have breakfast?" He asked, in a hushed tone, making sure that Lucy could not hear him.

"Yes." She snapped in reply. He nodded and dropped his arms to his side. Her words from the phone call came back to him; she wasn't his to worry about anymore. She stalked off, and Neil watched her until she was out of sight.

He felt Lucy come up beside him. "Do you think it's obvious?" Lucy asked, and Neil turned to face her, confusion etched on his face.

"What's obvious?"

"The fact that she's pregnant or is it just woman's intuition?" Lucy asked, laughing slightly.

"I think it's quite obvious." Neil said, softly. It wasn't a truthful answer because he couldn't give one as he had had thought it had been obvious a few weeks ago.

Lucy shook her head. "It was nice thing to do, helping her up." Lucy said, giving him a kiss on the cheek. He stared at the door that Beth had just went through, and then turned back to his notes.

…

Thanks for all the reviews, and I hope you enjoyed this chapter.


	9. Chapter 9

_**This chapter is back in Beth's P.O.V. There are only about five more chapters of this to go, just to warn you.**_

…

_Chapter 9 _

_Tuesday 3__rd__ July 2018_

…

Her heart felt as if it was about to break in two. All that was between them was a thin glass window but it felt like she was on the other side of the world. He looked so small, so tiny in the incubator and all Beth wanted to do was take the pain away. Her feeling had been right, but that was all that had gone right so far. She had only been twenty-eight weeks when she had given birth to her son, and she felt responsible for the fact that his lungs were to small and he couldn't breathe. It was her fault, she couldn't keep him safe.

She felt tears creep down her face and she saw her reflection in the window in front of her. She looked a right state, but she couldn't care less. All she cared about was that her son was hurting, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. It was one of the first times since she had been a child that she had felt so useless and so hopeless. She put her hand up on the glass and focused again on the little boy in the incubator.

The doctors where rushing around him, all doing different things. She wondered what they were doing. She looked at her watch, and realised with a shock that it had been nearly twelve hours since she had called for the ambulance from her home after the contractions had become too much. Andrew Mark Wilkes had been born at 3:47 pm on Tuesday 3rd July 2018.

Seeing her son connected to all manner of tubes and what not made the song Wires run through her head. The first time she had heard it she hadn't known how apt it would become. She just hoped that her little boy would make it through.

She turned away from the window, tearing her eyes away from Andy. She walked, very slowly, down the hall to the pay phone that sat on the wall. She suddenly cursed under her breath. She had no change to put into the machine. All she had was a five pound note. She turned around and luckily a doctor was passing. "Do you have change for a fiver?" She inquired. The doctor nodded and reached into his pocket. He gave her five one pound coins and she handed him the note. She thanked him and he continued down the hall. She fed the money into the machine and was greeted with a loud beeping for the first few seconds before the phone connected. It rung for a few seconds and in that time she felt fear flood her veins, but it was too late. "Neil Williams." Neil sounded annoyed at the phone call, not a good thing.

"It's Beth, Neil." She said, quietly. She heard a sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line.

"What?" He said, tersely.

"You have a son." Nobody said anything for a few seconds. "Neil?" Beth prompted.

"I have a son." He whispered the words down the phone.

"Yes." A silence descended over them. She wasn't sure how Neil was going to react to the news. He had had nothing to do with the baby since he had found out she was expecting it – except requesting that if it was a boy he should have the middle name Mark. "Andrew Mark Wilkes."

"Can I see him?" Beth was slightly shocked by that, but she was also quite glad. It meant that he at least wanted to meet his little boy.

"Not yet. He's in an incubator, you see, because he's so early. I haven't been able to hold him or see him yet. Soon, they tell me, but not yet. I'll ask." Another silence descended over them, and Beth used the lull in conversation to glance back in the direction of the room where Andy was. A doctor, that Beth vaguely remembered that that he was called Jonson or something similar, walked out of the room, and started down the hall towards her. Jonson, or whatever his name was, was the doctor that was in charge of Andy's care. "The doctor's coming, Neil. I'll see you later." She informed him. She heard a mumbled reply and then she heard the line go dead, before she herself hung up.

"Miss Wilkes?" Jonson inquired. Beth could see his badge clearly now, it read Nick Jonson. "You can see your son now." The doctor's was still grave, even though he was telling what she thought was good news.

"How is he?"

"He's alive and stable at the moment." Jonson told her.

"So he might die?" Her voice was perfectly calm and had no fear, no sorrow in it.

"You see, Miss Wilkes, his lungs aren't very strong because he was born so early. They aren't fully developed yet. This means that we have to watch him very carefully to make sure his lungs don't fail. He is also in an incubator, so you can't hold him, not just yet." Beth absorbed the information.

"You've already told me he was in an incubator." She said, almost absentmindedly. She was staring through the window, looking at the little baby, who was struggling to breathe because his lungs weren't strong enough. Her baby. There were so many tubes swamping his little body. The doctor tapped her on the shoulder, and she wheeled around. He was holding the door open for her.

The beeping of the machine comforted her. As long as it was beeping, it meant Andy was still alive. She never thought that she'd be the maternal type, but seeing her own flesh and blood in that incubator, she felt a rush of love, of such an intensity that she had never felt before. There was a chair set next to him, and she sat down, all the while staring at Andy. His eyes transfixed her. Bright blue and big in his face, they were full of intelligence and a will to survive. It gave her some strength seeing them.

"Hello, Andy." She said, quietly. "It's mummy here. You're going to be alright, now. The doctors will make you better, and then we can go home." Speaking to him made her feel better too. She spent nearly an hour sitting there, just looking at him and talking to him.

She rubbed her tired eyes, and glanced up. There was one nurse left in the room, but apart from that she was alone with him. She could see a face at the window, staring in. She smiled, sadly. She was surprised to see Gemma Wilde stood at window, looking in. She stood, and slowly walked to the door. She stood next to the young consultant, but neither of them spoke for a few seconds. "It's horrible, isn't it? Seeing them all wired up." Beth looked up at the blonde doctor, confusion rippling over her features. "I should explain. My little boy, he was premature. I came down here to get some results from the lab but when I saw your little boy it reminded me." Beth sensed that Gemma was imagining the past.

"Did he make it?" Beth couldn't help but ask.

"Finn. He made it alright. He's perfectly fine now. He's nearly ten." She spoke proudly, and smiled at Beth. Beth looked up at the young woman next to her again. She couldn't be more than twenty eight or nine so must have been young when she gave birth. She also knew that she and Michael had only been married a year.

"You must have been scared. How old were you?"

"Eighteen. I was terrified. I thought he was going to die. But he didn't and now he's fine. It was a struggle but I made it. Money was always short, that became almost a fact of life; you are never going to have enough money." She paused, and Beth thought she had finished. "Or friends for that matter. They all sort of disappeared after they found out." She added, glumly.

"The father?"

"He disappeared as well. He couldn't cope with it all. He never saw his boy, and I don't thinks he wanted to. I saw him last year; he has a little boy of his own now - no more than six months, a baby - and a wife. He looked happy. I'm happy too, now. I've got Michael. It all worked out for the best, I guess." She stopped and looked down at Beth. "I'm so sorry, you must be so tired, and I must be boring you half to death." Beth shook her head.

"No, no. I asked you about it."

"Well…I better go get the test results. He looks like a little fighter. He'll be fine." Gemma said, squeezing her on the shoulder, and walking off down the corridor. Beth went back in to the room, and back to her son. She spent another hour by his side, until she looked up again and saw another face at the window. Neil. She stood and went the door.

She pushed it open and stood next to him. "You can come in, if you want." Beth gestured at the door as she spoke. Neil hadn't spoken to her since he had helped her up after her fall. They hadn't had a proper civil conversation for months. Neil stared for a few more seconds, before entering the room.

Neil hesitated for a second, as he entered the room. Then he made his mind up, and walked over to the incubator, taking the seat that Beth had been sitting in. She stood in the door, watching Neil interact with his son for the first time. She watched Neil's lips move, but she couldn't hear what he said. It looked like 'hello, I'm daddy' and it made Beth smile again. She watched Neil put his hand on the incubator and saw a smile light up his face, which had seemed to age years since the last time they had spoken, face to face. It was the lying, Beth guessed, and the smile fell from her face. She had completely forgotten how hopeless the whole situation was. There was Lucy, and Tom. She wasn't quite sure where she was with Tom at the moment. They were just friends, but he had been so kind to her. She wasn't sure why she had asked Neil about the step-father thing. She guessed that she thought it was better for Andy to at least have a father figure, if Neil was determined to have nothing to do with the child. A little part of her knew she had only said it to hurt him, to make him feel something. She wasn't sure if it had worked.

As she looked, Neil stood and turned towards her. This time, she caught his words. "Goodbye, little man. I hope you have a nice life." It sent her mind spinning. Neil had only come down here to say goodbye to his son? He went to walk past her, but she reached out a hand to stop him.

"Is that it?" She hissed, cautious because of the nurse in the room, and she didn't want to alarm Andy in his incubator. "You're going to just walk away?" Neil looked away. "You just came down here to say goodbye?" He didn't say anything. "Answer me, Neil." Her voice was quiet, but there was a hard edge to her tone, a barely contained anger.

"Yes."

"How can you walk away from your son?"

"He's just my son biologically. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less." He paused for a second, turning back to her. "Anyway, I thought you had a replacement waiting in the wings. Tom Shields?" He sneered.

"Go back to your wife, then. Go back to your lies. See if I care." She nearly spat. She dropped her arm and Neil left. Anger was coursing through her veins, anger at Neil. She heard the door click open, and she spun around, wondering why Neil was back. She had been wrong. Tom stood in the doorway. Her anger suddenly dissipated and she felt so very tired. She swung wildly on her feet and she felt Tom's arms close around her.

"Whoa, Beth, I know I'm so amazing, but you don't have to swoon _every_ time you see me." Beth chuckled slightly at Tom's joke. Her head cleared and she felt better. She felt Tom lead her to the chair, and she sat down. The nurse came over to her.

"Are you alright, Miss Wilkes?" Beth nodded, and the nurse went back to what she had been doing.

"So this is him then? Andy Wilkes? Or is it Williams?" He said, staring through the glass and smiling widely. "I saw Neil as I came down the corridor. He had a filthy look on his face. Was that courtesy of you?" Beth nodded. "Did he come and see him?"

"He came." She paused, swallowing. "And then he said goodbye to his son and said he hoped he had a nice life." Beth said, bitterly. A silence descended on them. "How did you know that I gave birth?" Beth asked the question that she had been trying to puzzle out.

"Gossip spreads like wild fire here. One of the paramedics is friends with someone on Keller. She told her friend and then it started spreading. It's only just reached Darwin. I think Jac's going to come down soon, she was just about to go into theatre when we found out. She doesn't really like children, but she can't help but fall in love with this little one when she sees him. He's lovely." Beth gave him a small smile.

"He is, isn't he?" She paused, sighing. "He has his father's eyes, don't you think?" Tom didn't say anything. "He does. And when anyone looks at him, they're going to know. Jac's going to realise, then everyone else. I don't know if that is a bad thing or a good thing." She said, quietly.

Tom asked the nurse where he could get another chair, and then they sat there, watching Andy in the incubator for half an hour. They talked, as well. Tom tried to calm her fears about people realising Andy's paternity, but she still worried. The door opened and they both looked up. Jac was standing in the doorway, a half smile on her face. "So this is your little boy, then." Jac said, walking over to them. Beth swallowed; it was the moment of truth. "What've you called him?"

"Andrew." Jac nodded.

"Nice name." Beth and Tom shared a glance. Jac turned back to them. "There's something you're hiding something from me. What is it?" Jac asked. "It's something to do with the baby, isn't it?" It was then that Beth realised that Andy had managed to fall asleep at some point, his eyes were closed, but now he was waking up. Jac followed Beth's gaze, and turned back to the sleeping child, who was now waking.

"He's got his father's eyes, hasn't he, Jac?"

Jac stared for a few seconds, and then turned back, her jaw nearly dropping to her chest. "You don't mean?" She stuttered. "Neil?" She said, almost dumbstruck. "But he hates you!" She exclaimed.

"Ever wondered why?"

"He's the father?" Beth nodded, and for the first time since she had come into the room, Jac looked at Tom. "You knew?" He nodded. "He's married!" She exclaimed.

"And don't I know it." Beth muttered darkly. "Didn't I tell you?" Beth said, now talking to Tom. "It's obvious."

"Jac only guessed because she knew that something was up and you practically told her. If you just play it cool, no one will notice. Okay, Beth?" Grudgingly, Beth nodded. She turned back to her son. The song 'Wires' came in to her head again.

…

_You've got wires, going in,  
You've got wires, coming out of your skin,  
You've got tears, making tracks,  
I've got tears, that are scared of the facts,_

_Running down corridors,  
Through automatic doors,  
Got to get to you got to see this though,  
First night of your life,  
Curled up on your own,  
Looking at you now,  
You would never know, _

_I see it in your eyes,  
I see it in your eyes,  
You'll be alright,  
I see it in your eyes,  
I see it in your eyes,  
You'll be alright, _

…

_**I hope you liked this chapter. And if you did, why don't you just write me a little review telling me why, it would make my day. **_


	10. Chapter 10

…

_Chapter 10_

_Wednesday 11__th__ July 2018_

…

Beth had been discharged from hospital the day before, but Andy was still there. He was still in the incubator, but he seemed to be getting stronger by the day. She was sat on the sofa, watching the T.V. BBC news was on, but she wasn't really paying much attention. Her thoughts were consumed by her son. She wanted to stay by his side twenty-four-seven but the doctors hadn't wanted her to stay overnight and possibly make herself ill. She was under strict instructions not to return to the hospital until morning.

She was just about to go through to the kitchen to make herself another coffee, when she heard a knock on the door. She went through to the kitchen, put her mug down on the side, but as she did so, the knocking got louder and more insistent. "Alright, alright, I'm coming." Her body was still stiff from her weeklong stay in hospital, and as a result she couldn't walk very fast. She got to the door and opened it swiftly. The difference in light from the doorway of her house to the street outside meant that for a few seconds she was slightly disorientated.

Then her eyes came into focus and she blinked, wondering if what she was seeing was a hallucination. Lucy was standing on her doorstep, anger plain to see on her face. Her heart dropped a few feet, there was only reason Lucy would be here at this time at night. She must know. "Oh, Lucy. Would you like to come in?" Beth feigned ignorance. There must be another reason. How could she know, there was no way that Neil had told her. Beth moved to the side as Lucy entered her home.

They walked in silence to the living room. Beth sat in the arm chair and Lucy perched on the sofa. Beth could almost see the strain on her face, the anger that was nearly bursting through her façade. "Would you like a drink? Tea, coffee, a cold drink?" She asked, politely. She was too tired to be sucked into a fight, especially at this time of night.

"Let's do away with the pleasantries, and the lies, Beth." Lucy voice was cold and icy. "You and I both know why I am here."

"I'm not quite sure what you mean, Lucy." Beth kept up the cheerful, polite tone she had used when asking about drinks. She did not want to be sucked into this, but maybe it was her punishment for her wrongs. She had thought that Neil's behaviour was punishment enough.

"Neil." She said the name with a cold indifference, which reminded Beth of how Neil had said her name when he had first turned up at Holby. She was certain, if she hadn't been before, that Lucy knew. "My husband." She paused again, looking at Beth for the first time. "Your lover." She said the words with a venom that Beth hadn't heard since Neil had used it to tell her to get out of his house the day he had found out about her affair with Alex.

"It wasn't like that." Beth protested. "We weren't lovers."

"So how do you explain the fact that you have given birth to his son?" The coldness was back, replacing the venom.

"We slept together, once. Only once." She let the admission hang in the air. "I am so sorry, Lucy." Beth said, sincerely.

"What good does it do now?" She said, tipping her head back and laughing. "My whole marriage had been a lie. Sorry won't help, Beth." Silence descended on them. "You know I should have realised sooner. I feel such a fool." She paused, looking at straight at Beth. "He used to shout out your name in the middle of the night. Ellie, Ellie, Ellie!" The shouts echoed around the room. "I didn't even think that when he shouted for Ellie, he was calling for you-" Before Lucy could continue, Beth spoke.

"He wasn't calling for me. He was cursing me." Confusion rippled over her visitor's face.

"What do you mean?"

"So he didn't tell you? About his ex-wife who slept with his brother, with Alex?" Beth asked, her voice still calm, and in check, no emotion entering it. "Wait, he wouldn't need to. You must have heard the rumours."

"Yes, but what's it got to…" She trailed off when the truth finally dawned on her.

"He was cursing me because I hurt him. He's such a hypocrite, you know. He knows exactly how it feels to be in your shoes." She paused for a second. "I guess this is his way to hurt me back."

"What do you mean, hurt you back?"

"I hurt him badly when I slept with Alex." If Lucy hadn't realised that she was his ex-wife, she would now. "And he slept with me, and then he left me and went away to his fiancé – you…you weren't married at the time." Beth's eyes flicked up, taking in Lucy's reaction to her confession. Her face was set in a stony stare. "I've felt so stupid in my life. I let myself open up to him and what did he do? He just through it back in my face." Beth closed her eyes, trying not breakdown. As it was, her calm voice was cracking and wavering. "I am sorry. I know you don't believe me. If I could go back in time and change what I did I would do it in a heartbeat, and even that feels selfish because I wouldn't be changing it for you, I'd be doing it for me. So I wouldn't have to go through what… I wouldn't have to go through the hurt he inflicted on me." Beth said, her hands curling into fists.

"You love him?" Surprise filled her tone, but when she next spoke, it was gone. "I can't believe you could do that. I can't believe that he slept with you." Lucy said, her voice still cold.

"I know nothing can excuse what happened, but I want to explain. We were together for nine years, before I had my affair with Alex." The wavering was gone, replaced with a coldness, similar to Lucy's. "I know I hurt him. But the strange thing was, Lucy, even after I hurt him so awfully, I still loved him. Imagine how that feels." Her voice cracked again, and she spent a few seconds regaining her composure. "I managed to turn all the love he felt for me into hate. That was the worst of all. I made him hate me. Then I ran away. We worked at the same hospital still, even as our marriage imploded from within. I couldn't cope with it, so I ran. I ended up here after four years. So did he. I saw the look in his eyes the first day he was here. I lost him completely. We both changed beyond recognition." She paused, taking a deep breath in. "Then there was the incident in Hanssen's office. I knew that it was because of me, but I knew that he was only doing it because he hated Alex even more than me. Alex was worse than me. I was just his wife, we could get divorced. But Alex was his brother, they shared the same blood. He couldn't get rid of the link between them quite so easily. Then Hanssen made us go on that stupid course. When we were there, an old work colleague was there too. She didn't know that we were divorced so we had to tell her. It was after that, in the car on the way home, that I explained to him why I had slept with Alex. For some reason, he decided that the best thing to do was to sleep with me." She laughed, but there was no humour in it. "Of course it wasn't, and he realised that pretty quickly. After we were finished I think the weight of what we'd done finally hit him. He ran. Then he tried to act like it never happened." Beth looked up at Lucy again, and then she spoke.

"That was the night of the engagement party. He slept with you on the night of our engagement." Lucy said, disgust filling her tone. "That was why he acted strange when you turned up." Beth nodded.

"He ignored me. Then I found out I was pregnant and that it was his. I told him and… he told me that there was no way he was going to be a father to my child. He told me to have an abortion. I couldn't. The only good thing that has come out of this is Andy. I had one more civil conversation with him. I asked him if he wanted to come to the twelve week scan. It was then I knew that he was trying to pour all the blame on me. And he wanted nothing to do with me. I was in a place in my life when I needed all the help I could get and he just walked away. I can't forgive him for that." Beth said shaking her head. "But believe me, Lucy, he loves you. He loves you more than he ever loved me, more than he had ever loved anyone in the past. He was scared of losing you and that was why he didn't tell you." Lucy started shaking her head. "Why would I lie about this?"

"I don't think your lying. I just think that you and him are being very stupid. He doesn't love me. It's you. It's always you. It's you." Lucy let her words sink in. "He calls out your name in his sleep because he still loves you." She said, standing. "I'm going to leave now." She stopped, looking down on Beth. "I don't like you, Beth, but I love Neil, so I'm doing this for him. Stop being stupid." Lucy said, and then she left.

Lucy's words took a long while to sink in. For some reason, Lucy thought that Neil was still in love with her. How stupid could she be? Neil hated her, everyone knew that. But still, even as she tried to convince herself that Lucy was mad, a part of her almost knew that what she had said had some truth. She still loved him. She had never stopped.

…

_Thursday 12__th__ July 2018 _

It was like the whole world had turned grey. The trees were no longer green; the sky was no longer blue, the pavement no longer black. Grey. Grey. Grey. It felt as if the world was falling apart, piece by piece. It felt as if she was standing on the edge of the world, and all she needed was a little push to go over the edge and when she did, there would be no coming back. She turned around slowly. Grey. Everything was grey. Pain ran through her veins, not blood. All the colour was leeched out of the things around. Nothing was ever going to be colourful again. Nothing was ever going to be the same again.

She heard noises and turned her gaze. Tom and Jac were walking towards her. Even when her world was falling apart, she noted how nice a couple they would make, but then there was that man, the one from Jac's picture, and Amy. She guessed that if Jac and Tom ever did have a relationship, it wouldn't be based in love. They were both in love with other people.

"Are you alright?" Tom asked, and Beth laughed.

"Alright? How can anything ever be alright again?" Jac went to speak but Beth cut her off. "Andy's dead." It was a short sentence, two words, but it was enough to destroy her. When she had told Lucy that Andy was the only good thing to come out of the mess, she had been speaking the truth, but now he was dead and nothing else mattered. "He's dead." She repeated. "He's dead and I couldn't save him!" She almost screamed. The pain was too much; it burned her from the inside out. It was nearly killing her.

"He's lungs weren't strong enough, he went in to respiratory arrest. There was nothing you could-" Tom said, coming towards her, his arms outstretched.

"There was everything I could have done!" She screamed. "But I did nothing! Nothing. And now he's dead and every thing's gone." The first tear fell down her face, trickling like a broken fountain, rapidly followed by more. Soon she couldn't see because of them. She felt arms close around her. She wanted to cry herself to oblivion.

…

_Wednesday 9__th__ August 2018 _

Colour had slowly started bleeding back into her life, but no joy. Joy was like a historical fact, something that had been lost and could never be found again. Anger was still there, and she felt it in spades. Anger at herself, anger at Neil. She had to blame someone else or it would all be too much for her. As she realised that it had stopped raining, and closed her umbrella, she saw Holby City Hospital for the first time in four weeks. That was how long Hanssen had given her off on personal leave – she had been surprised that he had given her so long. She shook her umbrella, removing the droplets of water that clung to its surface. She passed through the doors and into the hospital. Everything looked new, like she was seeing it for the first time – maybe for the first time with different eyes.

There was a queue for the café, but she didn't join it. She stood in front of the lift, waiting for it to arrive, wanting to get to Darwin without having to talk to anyone. She guessed she was the talk of the hospital. The doors pinged and thankfully the lift was empty. She climbed in and waited for the doors to shut, and for the lift to start moving. They had just started slowly shutting when a foot stuck in the door opened it. Gemma was standing the other side, a green coat on and a pile of book clutched in her arms. Beth smiled at Gemma, as the other woman stood next to her. She braced herself for the onslaught of condolences.

"I would say sorry, but I know that it's pointless." Gemma said, quietly. "My brother died when I was eighteen, just before I found out I was pregnant. I remember quite clearly that everyone kept telling me they were sorry. Sorry for what? There was nothing they could have done to stop it. I just found it a little silly to say sorry. But you do have my deepest sympathies for your loss." Beth was glad that someone was treating her like a human being with feelings, and not just a thing that something had happened to. "I can't say I completely understand how you're feeling, but I can create a guess. It can't be nice. When Harry – my brother – when he died I think all the hope in the world went out. I spent days wondering why. It never did any good." She stopped, glancing at Beth. "I'm rambling again. You probably don't want to hear about my past." Gemma said, slightly blushing.

"No, it helps me take my mind off it."

"One thing you must remember, Beth, is that it does get better. I know it doesn't feel like it will, but it does. One day the hope will come back." Just as Gemma finished speaking the doors pinged and Beth saw Darwin. She told Gemma that it was her stop and they said their goodbyes. Gemma was a good person at heart.

She left the lift, wishing that she had collected a coffee before she had come up. She could have done with the caffeine fix. She froze, and she saw Neil standing on the other side of the ward. He looked fine, considering his son had died less than two months ago. She wondered if he had even grieved at all. Then she saw his left hand and saw that he wasn't wearing his wedding ring. Divorce papers had probably already been served and if not, they would be soon – even so, it was obvious that the marriage had broken down. Beth wondered if she would be dragged into it. For some reason, she doubted it.

She felt a hand on her back, and she swivelled around to see Jac behind her. "You okay?" She asked. Beth nodded, trying to shake her thoughts of Neil from her head. "Hanssen thinks that you should just do paper work and other clerical duties for a couple of days, just to ease you back in to things. " Jac looked as if she expected Beth to argue, but she didn't. "Alright, there is a mound of paperwork on my desk. You can complete it in there so you can be alone." Beth nodded and walked off in the direction of her office. She swung the door open and walked slowly over to the desk. She sat in the chair, and picked a pen up off the wood. She had only just glanced at the first page of the sheaf, when the door opened. She stopped dead, dropping the pen nosily on to the table. She heard the door slam, but he was still standing there, his eyes fixed on hers. She felt a sadness almost overwhelm her. Andy had had his father's eyes. It was the first time that she and Neil had been alone since Andy's death. Neil had come to the funeral - but whether that was out of a sense of duty or not, Beth didn't know – but he had left after the service and before Beth could get him alone to talk to him.

"Ellie." He said, softly, and Beth wondered why he was using his old nickname for her. "Is it this bad for you?" The question came completely out of the blue, and Beth stared at him for a few seconds, wondering what he meant. "Does it feel like your heart's been ripped out?" Neil asked. "I can't believe he's dead." He added, shaking his head.

"It hurts, doesn't it?" Beth shocked herself with how cold her voice sounded. She wasn't going to let Neil back in now, not after what he had done. "It hurts even more for me, because I actually loved him." Her words were a low blow and they both knew it.

"I loved him." Beth snorted.

"You did a great job of showing it." She said, sarcastically.

"I was his father!" Neil exclaimed.

"And that didn't make much difference when I told you that the day he was born, did it? You just told me that it was just a biological link, nothing more, nothing less." Her words were making him angry and she saw him gulp. "Lucy came to see me, you know. After she had found out that you slept with me and that your marriage was based in lies." Beth said, calmly. "She never did tell me how she found out. You didn't tell her, you're too much of a coward."

"Liam told her."

"Liam? Liam Andrews?" Confusion filled her tone.

"Yes. I told him when I found out you were pregnant. Only God knows why he left it that long to tell her. But it doesn't matter. He told her and she left me. I lost my wife because of you!" He shouted.

Beth laughed, loudly, but there was no trace of humour in it. "You lost your wife all by yourself. It was your decision to sleep with me, remember." Beth said, her voice as cold as ice.

She watched as Neil curled his fists and prepared to say something else. Before he could, the door opened and Jac stood there, eyeing the couple. After a couple of seconds, Neil stormed angrily out. "You going to tell me what that was about?"

"He hates me, remember." Even as Beth said the words, she knew they were true. Lucy had been mad when she had said that Neil loved her. He hated her, pure and simple.

…


	11. Chapter 11

_**Just a little warning that abuse is mentioned in this chapter. **_

…

_Chapter 11_

_Saturday 6__rd__ October 2018_

…

86 days and counting. 86 days since her son had died. A little bit more than 12 weeks. All the things she had accumulated for him – the coat, the little clothes and blankets, the soft toys, among other things - over the twenty-eight weeks she had been pregnant, she had hidden away in the room that had been planned to be his. She didn't have the heart to throw it away, and yet she knew she had to. It was part of the letting go process.

It was a Saturday, her day off. It once had been a rare, once in a blue moon event but after spending four weeks off grieving, her home felt like a prison. She intended to go into work anyway and help out in any way she could. She had been taken off clerical duties and could now treat patients. She was still wearing her pyjamas as she walked down stairs to have breakfast. Her flat felt empty, and she was considering moving – an attempt to leave the ghost behind.

She collected the post from the mat and made her way to the kitchen. She opened the first letter – a bill – as she waited for the toast to ding, and the kettle to boil. Both of these things happened at the same time, as she tossed the bill into a pile of them under the table. She buttered the toast and brought it over to the table, a coffee in the other hand. A newspaper and another letter were under her arm. She set them down and sat down. She took a bite of a triangle of toast, and grabbed the final letter. She caught the headline on the newspaper. It was another cut to the NHS budget, and she sighed. They were stretched as they were.

She pulled the envelope open and nearly massacred it. She had never been good at opening envelopes, and she remembered the time when one of her med school buddies had told her she was getting a stack of sealed envelopes for Christmas, just to annoy her. In the end, she hadn't but the memory made her smile.

She slipped the letter out. It read;

_Dear Elisabeth,_

_I know this is out of the blue and I haven't seen you for more than twenty years, but I had to send this to you. I had to send you this, don't you understand? I have to apologise for all my sins before I die. I committed sins against you and now I am apologising._

Beth read the letter with a sense of unease. Something about the letter was familiar, the way it was written.

_It's your father, Liz. Tom Walling. _

Beth nearly spat out the coffee she was drinking. The spray hit the table, and her legs. Of all the people who had hurt her in the past, she hadn't expected her father to be the one to send her a letter to apologise.

_I'm sorry for what I did to you._

Beth shook her head. He must be stupid to think that sorry would cover what he had done to her, how he had damaged her. The emotional abuse – the words he had screamed at her when he was drunk - the physical abuse – the slaps and kicks when no one was looking and always in places where no one could see the bruises – had broken her almost beyond repair. It was one of the reasons that she had befriended Jac. She sensed a kindred spirit, a friend who understood what she had gone through, because Jac had suffered it herself.

Then, one day, when she was eleven, her father had abandoned her and her mother. Beth had finally thought that she could be happy. Then her mother had died in a car crash a little under a year after her father had left. That had broken her further. She had been an orphan at twelve years old. She had joined the care home six weeks after she had died, after her father hadn't been tracked down. Beth knew that if he had, she wouldn't have lived with him. She wouldn't have gone willingly back to the horrors. She turned back to the letter.

_I'm sorry about what I did to your mother._

Beth hadn't suffered the worst of the abuse. No, that had been her mother, Caroline. She had been beaten on a regular basis, and he had screamed at her when he was in his drunken rages, calling her every name under the sun. She remembered when she had been very little, no more than five or six, her father had been completely, utterly hammered and he had come home and demanded that her mother made him dinner. When she had been washing up, Caroline had dropped a plate and it had smashed. Beth had been there when her father – her own flesh and blood – had started to attack her mother with the broken bits of plate. Beth had fled up stairs, scared that he would turn his anger on her, and she had hidden under her duvet. After a while, she had heard the door slam and she guessed that her father had left.

She had crept down stairs and found her mother, covered in cuts and her own blood. Beth had called the ambulance, and it had come, with its flashing lights and sirens, and they had saved her mother. She had ridden in the ambulance and she had stayed by her mother's side throughout the night, until her father had turned up and brought her home. She had been scared out of her mind. He had been sober by then, and he had acted the part magnificently. He had acted the horrified husband. The doctors had suspected abuse, but when her mother hadn't admitted what he had done to her, there was no way to prove it was him, no proof.

That was the day that Beth had decided to become a doctor. She wanted to help people like her mother. Save one life, as she couldn't fix her own. She was too broken. She turned back to the letter. Her toast had gone cold, two triangles still left on her plate. She wasn't hungry anymore.

_Please, you have to forgive me. I am truly sorry. I never would have hurt you if it wasn't for the drink. You probably won't believe me, Liz, but I haven't touched a drop of the hideous stuff since I left you. I've always wondered about you, Liz. What you managed to become, how you chose to live your life. But I had to leave you, I had to release myself from my spiral of addiction. I couldn't do that with you and your mother watching. I had to have a new start. I got my new start. After I divorced you mother, about a year afterwards, I met a woman called Jane. Jane became my wife, and you have two half-siblings, a boy and a girl. I did it right that time. No drink. I love you and I love my other children. _

_Six months ago I was diagnosed with cancer. It's terminal. I only have a few weeks left, Liz. I had to right my wrongs. I have to lay my ghosts to rest. It took me a while to find you, but I found you. You have to forgive me. I am an old and sick man now, Liz. I need your forgiveness. Please come and see me. I am in St James' Hospital, on ward eight. _

_Please._

_Your father (Tom Walling.) _

She finished the letter and took a gulp of cold coffee. She wondered if Tom Walling – she couldn't bear to call him her father – knew that her mother - Caroline Wilkes, then Walling when she had married, and then Wilkes again after her marriage ended – was dead. Beth didn't think so. She mulled over his offer. 'Come and see me' he had begged. He was dying. The man who had terrorised her childhood, and her nightmares for years afterwards, was dying. She felt a sense of relief wash over her. Would she go and see him? She realised that she must. She had ghosts that she had to put to rest as well, no matter how much she hated him.

So that was that. She was going to see him. She was going to confront her father, who for twenty years had been the man who haunted her nightmares.

…

St James' hospital was crowded but Beth found her way to Ward Eight quickly. The building was laid out in similar style to Holby. She entered Ward Eight and looked around for a few seconds, clutching her hand bag tighter. A blonde doctor came up to her. "I'm Miss Jenkins, how can I help you?" She asked.

"I'm here to see Tom Walling. He said he was on Ward Eight." Even saying his name made her feel slightly sick.

"It's not quite visiting hours, but there not long away. He's over there, in bed fourteen." The doctor told her. She went to turn away and Beth saw her name tag; her name was Fran Jenkins. She turned back. "I've met all of the old man's family. Who are you?"

"His daughter." Beth said, walking away. As she walked up the ward, patients with varying conditions on either side, she saw him and stopped in her tracks. He was twenty years older and thinning grey hair. Wrinkles altered his face, but she could still see the man she had known as her father. He could be no more than fifty but he looked more like eighty. She felt sick. He looked asleep, but as she came to his bed, his eyes opened and he looked straight at her. She felt as if she was seeing a ghost. His eyes hadn't changed in twenty years. They were bright blue, but Beth had usually seen them dulled with the intoxication of alcohol. She felt a shiver go down her spine as he started speaking.

"Liz? Liz? You came." He said, his voice croaking but Beth could hear the joy in his tone. "Sit down, sit down." He gestured at a chair. Beth hesitated, but then sat. The man in bed seemed quite different to her father. He seemed harmless, but still, she was wary. "How are you?"

"Fine." Beth said, curtly.

"And your mother? How's Caroline?" He asked.

"Dead."

The smile on Tom Walling's face slipped off. "Dead? When?"

"About a year after you left." Beth said, coldly.

"What's happened to you over the years, then Liz?"

"Stop calling me Liz. It's Beth." Her father had been the only person in her life to call her Liz. Her mother had called her Ellie and so had Neil. To everyone else, she was either Elisabeth – which she hated, but not as much as Liz – or Beth, which she preferred.

"I'm sorry, Li-Beth." He corrected himself. "It's Beth." He spoke to himself, Beth guessed. "So what has happened?" Beth was also wary about telling this man anything about her life. Whatever happened, this was going to be the last time she ever saw him. Before she could answer though, a nurse and a doctor appeared.

"Hello, Mr Walling. How are you today?"

"Tickety-boo, Mr Cole. Let me introduce you to Elisabeth Walling-" Beth cut him off.

"Wilkes. My last name is Wilkes." She saw anger flash in eyes, but when he turned to back to the doctor, a smile was on his face again. "Elisabeth Wilkes. She is my daughter, from a previous relationship." Mr Cole nodded in her direction, as the nurse finished what she was doing and left.

"Are you ready for your operation tomorrow?"

"As ready as I'll ever be." The doctor left the father and daughter along. "You took her name." Her father said, darkly. "So what have you been doing for the last twenty years, then?"

"I went to med school and became a doctor." She had decided to tell him as little as possible. "I got married but I divorced four years ago." He nodded. She wasn't sure if she wanted to talk about Andy. "I had a son. He died recently."

Her father's eyes filled with joy. "I had a grandson. I had a grandson." He said, marvelling at it. "I'm sorry that he died." From the way he spoke, Beth had no doubt he wasn't sorry at all. "How old was he?"

"He was a baby." Beth struggled to find the words. "I don't want to talk about myself anymore. What do you want with me?" Through out their talk, she hadn't called him dad or father, and he picked up on this.

"Called me Dad. I wanted to see you. Can't a dying man have his final wish?" He asked her, his tone sounding sulky.

"Do your new family know about your old life? Me, Mum?" Beth asked the question that had been bugging her since she had read the letter.

"Not yet. I was going to tell them when you were here. I knew you would come." A silence descended on them. Beth had nothing to speak to this man about, and she was just about to leave when he spoke again. "Do you remember the pink princess quilt you used to have when you were little?" Beth didn't want to be sucked into the past. There were too many bad memories there.

"I don't want to talk about."

"Shame. We are." His tone was cold; mirroring her's from the start of their conversation. It was then she realised that he hadn't changed. He might have kicked the drink, but inside he was still the cruel, twisted, bitter man he was when she was a child.

"Do you beat your new wife and children, or were me and Mum and exception?" Anger bubbled on his face.

"I have done nothing of the sort. I loved your mother-"

"You loved her enough to beat every night you came home drunk?" Anger twisted his face in to an ugly frown. "And me. You would hit me when it suited you." Her tone was icy. She couldn't let emotion in. "I hate you. I only came to see if you were the same sick man you were when you left. You proved me right." She stood but he reached out a bony hand and grabbed her wrist. She felt a terror she hadn't felt for years overwhelm her.

"You can't get away, Liz. You were always mine. My daughter. My flesh and blood. I _love_ you." His voice was low, but Beth could hear a menacing note to it. "I could always do what I wanted with you. You were weak and you still are. You've not changed at all in twenty years." His grip tightened and she could feel her arm going numb. For a second, it reminded her of when Neil had grabbed her arm in the bar the night of the engagement party. But then she was a small child, and her father was about to hit her for doing something wrong. He had the same look in his eyes and it terrified her. It had been a bad decision coming here. She tensed herself, but then she heard feet tapping on the floor. She looked up and saw a woman in her late forties, with dark hair and dark eyes. There were two people next to her, one either side, and it was obvious that they were her children. The boy looked about ten or fifteen years younger than Beth and had dark-blonde hair. Her father had had dirty blond hair when he was younger. The girl looked very similar to Beth. She had dark hair and dark eyes and something about her face shape was also similar. These were her half-brother and sister.

The older woman – her father's new wife – spoke. "Oh, hello, who are you?" Her father had dropped her wrist by now, and she was rubbing it to regain circulation.

"No one." Beth said, sharply. She turned and walked the ward, and she was sure that they were watching her as she walked away. She got to the end of the ward and fell heavily against a window sill. All her limbs felt as if they were made of lead. She turned back, and she saw the daughter watching her. Beth knew it was time to leave.

…

**_Reviews would be gladly appreciated._ **


	12. Chapter 12

_**Warning: there are mentions of abuse in this chapter.**_

…

_Chapter 12_

_Tuesday 16__th__ October 2018_

…

It had been more than a week since she had seen her father but she could still feel his bony hand on her wrist. She had had nightmares about him for the first time for years, vivid horrible dreams where he hurt her. For four nights running she had woken, screaming, after dreaming that it was her that he had attacked with the bits of broken plate, that night.

She hadn't dreamt of that last night, however. What she had dreamt about was another incident. She'd been eleven, and it was just before he had left. She'd just got back from school and she'd been doing homework, when he had stormed in, fresh from the pub. She remembered smelling the scent of alcohol on his clothes. He asked her to do something, and she had done it wrong. He had hit her across the face. She remembered the stinging pain his hand had caused. Then he had hit her again and again, until she was bruised, battered and bloody. She'd been on her knees, begging him to stop, when she had heard a voice from the doorway. "Don't lay another finger on her." Her mother's voice had been strong and icy cold. Beth knew that by saying that, by defying her husband, she was certain to get a beating herself that evening. She'd been dizzy, her head spinning. She remembered her father leaving the room, but not before slapping her mother as well. She was sure he had uttered a warning to her as well - something like 'we'll deal with this later, and afterwards you won't be smiling'.

She remembered that her mother had come over to her and wiped the blood away with a tea towel. She had hugged her, and Beth had felt safe in her arms. He never hit her when her mother could catch him, so whenever Caroline was home, she felt safer. It was because he knew that if Caroline caught him, he might be thrown out. She would take the beatings herself, but she wouldn't tolerate her daughter getting hurt. She was sure that incident was one of the ones that had led to his departure.

She also remembered that she'd had to lie at school for weeks and weeks, making up an excuse for the cuts and bruises on her face. She thought that she'd said something like she'd been hit in the face by brambles when riding her bike or something along those lines.

Her dream had been even more horrific. Her mother hadn't come and saved her. She had been beaten until she was black and blue all over. It had hurt so much, that when she woke up, she searched her body for bruises. Of course there had been none, but she could still feel the strikes he had delivered in her dream. It made her shudder.

She left for work early. She didn't go straight to the hospital, instead stopping first at a flower shop to by flowers and then at a cemetery. When she was little, they had lived in London, but she knew that her mother was from Holby. When she had died, her will had specified that she wanted to be buried in here, next to her mum and dad. Beth had been happy when she had got the job here, because it meant that she was closer to her.

She pushed open the rusty, little gate and walked down a twisty path until she came upon the grave marked;

Caroline Henrietta Wilkes. Died 23rd February 1992. Aged 35

A beautiful flower that wilted too early.

Beth had chosen the inscription when she had been twelve. She placed some of the flowers down on the soft earth and spoke quietly. "I love you, mum." She put the remaining flowers down on the freshly turned earth beside it. A new gravestone sat next to her mother's.

Andrew Mark Wilkes. Died 12th July 2018.

A much loved son.

She turned and left the graveyard.

…

Beth sort of drifted during her shift. She couldn't stop thinking about her parents and Andy. She had hardly talked to Neil since they heated conversation in Jac's office. She saw him now; he was talking animatedly to Professor Hope. She watched him for a few seconds. She still loved him - she had admitted that to Lucy – and yet, she couldn't find the strength to tell Neil. It was because she didn't want to be rejected, really. It would hurt too much, so she remained silent.

He finished the conversation with Professor Hope and walked off in the direction of the locker room. He had managed to change his shifts so that when his ended, hers began – that way, they would never need to talk to each other. She was about to go after him - she wanted to talk things over; she wanted to sort it – when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She wheeled around, to find Jac standing there. "How was your day off?" Thinking about Neil had stopped her thinking about her father, but now Jac had mentioned the day before, it all came back to her. She remembered the sense of complete utter terror she had felt when he had grabbed her arm. She had felt like a child again. She looked at Jac and gestured towards her office.

"Can I have a word?" Beth asked, quietly. When they had been children at the care home, Beth and Jac had become fast friends. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that they were both very similar, but whatever the reason, they had become close enough to confide in each other. Beth had told Jac about her father, and in return Jac had told her about her own abuse. She saw Jac look at her funny, but then she started walking towards the office.

The door swung open and Jac sat down behind her desk. "So, what's up?" They had been friends for long enough that they both realised when something was up. "Is it about Andy?" Beth shook her head.

"I saw my father yesterday." Beth stated, calmly. Jac's jaw nearly dropped open.

"What the hell?" Anger flashed in her eyes. "He…he didn't hurt you, did he?" Jac asked, stuttering. It was like they were children again, finding out the horrid truth for the first time.

"He already hurt me enough."

"Why, why, Beth? You escaped from him once, why would you even let there be a chance that he could hurt you again?" Jac asked, confusion running through her words.

"He's dying, Jac." She paused, looking at her friend. "He's dying and he wanted to see his daughter again. He wanted to put his ghosts to rest."

"Really?" Beth knew that Jac thought that her father had been lying.

"No. He just wanted another shot at hurting me."

"So why did you go?"

"I had some ghosts of my own to lay to rest." She stopped, taking a deep breath in. "And I had to know he wasn't lying to me. I had to see with my own eyes that he was dying. I had to know that one day soon he's going to die and he can never hurt me again. I don't want to bring up painful memories, but Jac, when your mother turned up again, you let her use you. It was like that. No matter how much you hate them, your still their children and…and for some reason you let them do what they like to you." Jac had told her about Paula Burrows and the kidney transplant just after Beth had joined Holby. "But he's dying now, and I feel so relieved. He can't hurt me anymore. Your mother is long gone, Jac, she can't hurt you either." Jac looked at her, a sad smile on her face.

"I'm glad you're my friend, Beth." Jac stood and the two embraced. Neither she nor Jac had been touchy feely types, but they both needed the comfort that the hug gave them.

"When my mum died, I thought I would never be happy again. But I think we both helped each other to be happy again." Jac nodded, and sat back down. Beth saw the look on her face.

"You thinking about your dad?" Jac nodded. Her father had been a sailor in the Navy, and Jac had adored him. He had died when she was five. She hardly remembered him, but what memories she did have, she clung on to. After her father's death, her mother had started drinking and her mother had had a succession of boyfriends, each nastier than the last. Most of them had been violent towards Jac, so it had been a sort of relief when her mother stopped drinking. The boyfriends stopped, but then, just after she had gotten her mother back – she had abandoned her. Jac couldn't forgive her for that, even though she'd tried. Beth thought Jac's mother was a nasty piece of work.

"We better be getting back to work." Jac announced, a few seconds later. Beth hoped that she had finally put her demons to rest, and she hoped that Jac had too.

…

Beth was coming to the end of her shift. She was tired, as she wasn't sleeping very well. Talking to Jac about it had made it easier to cope with. She had one final patient to check up on, and then she would be getting home. She had just finished completing the checks that she needed, when she saw another bed being wheeled onto the ward. Beth nearly did a double take. The woman on the bed was in her late twenties, with dark hair and dark eyes. She looked very similar to Beth. It was her half-sister. Standing around her bed where the woman – Jane, she remembered her father calling her – and the boy. Beth wondered why they were here. She saw Jac come over and speak to them, and it was then that one of the three noticed her. She saw the boy stand and come over to her. She tried to walk away, but he caught her up. She wondered if her father had beaten him when he was small. "Hello? Hello." He called. "Can I have a word?" He asked, catching up with her, and pulling her arm back, so that she was facing him. When his hand had made contact with her arm, she had flinched, but his touch had been gentle.

"Yes?" Beth said, sharply.

"You were visiting my father yesterday. I thought you might like to know that he passed away in his sleep last night." With the man's words, Beth felt a weight lift from her chest.

"He's dead?" She whispered.

"Yes. I'm sorry-"

"Don't be." She said, coldly.

"He took a turn for the worst just after you left, and he didn't tell us who you are."

"I'm his daughter." She went to walk away, but the man pulled her back again.

"What?" He exclaimed.

"I'm his daughter." She stated, again.

"No, no, I heard the first time. It's just, it's just…" He stuttered. "He didn't tell us that he had another daughter." The man looked at her again, drinking in her features. "My name is Robert, Robert Walling. It's nice to meet you." He offered his hand and she shook it, cautiously.

"Beth Wilkes."

"My mother would like to meet you. Would you?" Beth sighed, but nodded. She wanted to meet her mother's replacement. The walked in silence back to the bed. She saw Jac arch her eyebrow as she walk up. "Mum, this is Beth. She says she is Dad's daughter." Jac arched her eyebrow even more.

She saw the woman's face crease in confusion. "You're Tom's daughter?" Beth nodded. "My name is Jane Walling, and I was his wife. Has Robert told you that Tom died last night?"

"Robert did."

"It's such a terrible shame." Beth had to bite her tongue. "The cancer came very quickly and took him too early. He never mentioned you, you know."

"I didn't expect him to."

"Why not?"

"My father – Tom Walling, your husband – was a drunk and a brute. I'm sorry to have shattered your image of him." Beth left the statement hanging in the air.

"What do you mean a drunk and a brute?" It was the woman on the bed who spoke now.

"I mean he was an alcoholic who took his drunken frustrations out on me and my mother." Beth spoke coldly.

"You…you mean he hit you?" Jane was speaking now, horror in her voice. "Not my Tom. He wouldn't hurt a fly." She said, shaking her head.

"He hit me and beat my mother. He told me that he didn't drink anymore. Was that true?" Beth didn't know why it matter so much, but she had to know if he had been telling her about that.

"He never touched a drop." Robert spoke up now, his face shell shocked.

"Maybe that's why you were lucky." Beth said, almost wistfully. She turned and walked away, leaving the family confused and not believing a word she had said. She didn't care. She had told them the truth, and it was up to them if they believed it or not. She didn't look back.

…

The locker room was empty, and Beth had just finished changing out of her scrubs. She was looking forward to going home, pouring herself a glass of wine and curling up on the sofa. She swung her bag over the shoulder, and turned around to leave, just as the door opened. Neil stood, silhouetted, in the doorway. They both froze.

"I…I left my wallet." Neil stuttered out, gesturing with his hands. He came further into the room and the door slammed behind his. He went over to his locker and opened it. His wallet was hidden in a back corner. Beth couldn't help but smirk, it was definitely a Neil thing to do, leave his wallet in his locker. Neil went to walk out, but Beth suddenly felt very tired, so sick of the silence between them. She didn't have anything to lose.

"Neil." She called out. He turned back.

"I don't want a lecture, please Beth. I just want to get home-" She interrupted him.

"I love you." She said, honestly. Neil opened his mouth, but he didn't speak. "I'm sick of this, Neil. It's just like when we got divorced. I can't cope with it anymore." Her voice was tired. Neil opened his mouth again, but still no words came out. She reached out a hand and massaged her forehead. "I love you. I really do. I never stopped."

"Please…Beth. Don't complicate it." His voice was strangled, and it looked as if the words took a lot of effort.

"Complicate it? I don't think telling you I love you complicates anything, Neil. Either you love me or you hate me. Simple as." She spoke calmly. "So what is it, Neil? Do you love me or do you hate me?"

"Oh, Ellie." He took two steps, closing the gap between them and placing his lips on top of hers. Beth felt joy exploding inside of her. She pulled away, ending the kiss, and smiled.

Beth felt on top of the world. Neil had kissed her. She looked at Neil, but she saw his eyes were clouded and he looked as he was about to cry. "Neil. Speak to me Neil?" She said, reaching out a hand and placing it on his cheek. "What's wrong?" She saw a tear crawling down his cheek. "Neil?" She spoke quietly.

"I miss him." Neil spoke quietly, and Beth nearly missed his words.

"Who, Neil?"

"Andy." The name took her by surprise.

"I miss him too, sweetheart." Beth admitted, truthfully, pulling Neil into a hug. "But we'll be okay, Neil." She whispered into his ear. "I love you. Everything's going to be all alright." She could feel more tears sliding down his face, and then she felt one roll down her cheek. "Oh, look what you've made me do now, you silly man. It'll ruin my makeup." As spoke, she rubbed her eyes, trying to stop the tears falling. She felt Neil remove his arms from around her. She looked up, staring at him, into his eyes.

"I forgive you." He spoke quietly.

"For Alex?" She asked, also quietly, waiting with baited breath for his answer.

"Yes." Neil paused. "Do you forgive me?"

"For what?"

"Andy." He said, simply. Beth nodded.

"Beth, I love you." His words made her heart pound erratically.

"You don't have to say it just because I did."

"I haven't. I love you. I didn't stop for a second and it was torture. I love you." He kissed her again. He pulled away this time, and she rested her head on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Neil."

"What for?" Confusion seeped into his voice.

"Alex." Beth said, softly.

"Stop saying sorry. I've forgiven you."

"It doesn't stop me feeling guilty." She said, almost bitterly.

"We all make mistakes, Beth." Neil said, slowly. "We both know that."

…


End file.
